Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris Lamb, and I am known as the DiZ. You might be asking yourself, "Self, who is this sexual piece of chocolate with the sexy eyes here?" Well, that is me. You might also be asking yourself, "Self, what is 'Guaranteed to Get You Children, Volume 1'?" Well, to answer that question allow me to explain my actions.

I love music and I love the sound of a woman after a fresh orgasm. Yes, I mean it just like that, I'm a very audio person and I love hearing women in joy because they enjoyed themselves. When I watch Maury Povich's show I weep, because half the women up there don't know what it means to make love to a man. Questions? Good. When a woman has sex and doesn't enjoy the moment then the result is (and yes, this is mildly vague) unwanted results afterward, sometimes manifesting in a child. I've heard it time and time again: women that have children from sexual experiences that weren't pleasurable turn out to be terrible parents to their children. It implies that the baby wasn't planned and the sex was just awful. That's no good.

I've beat around the bush for a little while now and I present my mixtape. The name says it all. My goal in life (this mixtape) is to make sex a total pleasure; this mixtape is an aphrodisiac and was designed to do the following things:

1. help in the making of children for couples
2. assist in making all parties involved hit the highest possible vocal notes during coitus
3. put the lubricants and jellies stored in houses nationwide to use
4. all of the above

1. TLC: Red Light District
   
2. Syleena Johnson feat. Twista: Phone Sex
3. Ginuwine: So Anxious
4. R. Kelly: It Seems Like You're Ready
5. Janet Jackson: Warmth
6. Janet Jackson: Moist
7. Alicia Keys: Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready)
8. Robin Thicke: Sex Therapy
9. Stone Mecca and RZA: The Walk
10. Esthero: Superheroes
11. D'Angelo: Untitled (How Does It Feel)
12. R. Kelly: Pregnant

Incest is weird. That's not how I wanted to start off this review but I'm really starting to ponder the relationship pre-revelation of Luke and Leia and a line from Return of the Jedi that now sticks out to me. If you think about it hard enough then you'll get it.

Seth MacFarlane is an interesting character. A comic genius, richest cartoonist in Hollywood quite possibly, he's completely turned the world of American animation on its head with his flagship series, the invincible Family Guy. Canceled once, revived and stronger than ever, the series has been criticized by many animation masters for relying on cheap humor and it has equally been praised for its commentary; ironically enough sometimes the very people that put the man on blast utilized his many talents for their own projects.

Seth MacFarlane, the 100 million dollar man; the success of his show can be attributed, more than likely, to two reasons. One is Stewart Gilligan Griffin, the sexually ambiguous toddler and breakout character whose matricidal ambitions made him funny but whose homosexual tendencies made him a star, and the other is the what I like to call the "QTTV factor". That acronym stands for "Quentin Tarantino for Television" factor. See, Quentin Tarantino is a lot of things but one thing all, I repeat, ALL of his movies display is a slick homage to pop culture. Seth MacFarlane does this flawlessly with his infamous cartoon. Every episode is filled to the brim with jokes and insults that reflect the general ideas of whats going on in the world. Case in point, Seth MacFarlane knows pop culture and he uses that knowledge well. He uses it to the point where it gets him three shows on FOX and the occasional "almost live" special. So, we've explored Seth MacFarlane a very little bit. But he has a bit of a hiding place, I guess you could call it, a constant source of jokes and humor that he utilizes often and possibly unnecessarily. That source is the brain child of George Lucas: Star Wars.

I'm not going into the story of Star Wars; that's a post for a later day. I love Star Wars though and I try to keep up with the canon. The original trilogy (episodes 4 through 6 for those that don't know) is easily my favorite trilogy of films ever (The Godfather would have that crown if that bitch Coppola didn't fuck up the third one... *shakes fist*) and I take all spoofs, homages, tributes, parodies and half hour specials related to it seriously. That is except for Blue Harvest. The first Family Guy spoof of Star Wars, based on Episode 4: A New Hope, was a very tongue-in-cheek miniature remake of its origins. It followed the story great and inserted appropriate humor in all facets, even breaking away from the cutaway gags that made the show so popular/hated, save for a single one but it was so well integrated into the story that it almost didn't count.

I loved this parody for a lot of reasons but the main reason was that it did something I didn't expect: it pointed out the flaws. Seth MacFarlane actually pointed out the inconsistencies and stupidities of Episode 4: A New Hope and did it with perfect style. You might be asking, "DiZ, you carnal nerf herder you, what do you mean?" Well, here are some examples. When Han Solo was getting away from Star Destroyers and said he knew some maneuvers to get away, why did he just lazily veer to the left? If parsecs are a unit of distance, how can someone get there in less than 12 parsecs? These are things that made no sense and they were on the forefront in Blue Harvest. Now that I've talked for five paragraphs about everything but this special. Let's get into it now.

I can't tell you the story so much because the story is already known: it's Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back as told in the humor of Family Guy. Peter plays Han again, Lois plays Leia, Chris is Luke, Brian is Chewie, and Stewie is, of course, Darth Vader. The humor spread throughout is classic, perfectly fit into the situations. There are more cutaway gags but they play into the story integrally, not just for the sake of humor for humors sake. The number of inconsistencies mentioned, which was massive in Blue Harvest, was cut down in this one. That was a little strange to me but the bulk of the humor came from the blending of Family Guy canon and the Star Wars canon. I like how the rebel base was contradictory in itself because the electricity was plugged into ice. That's one of the few contradictions the movie shows. I like even more how the many, MANY secondary characters have prominent roles in the story, and by prominent I mean more than five seconds of screen time.

Much like Black Dynamite, this homage is great in the simple fact that it does nothing to take away from Star Wars and equally adds to the legendary series. Sure, I have my gripes. I felt it was a little too short, but it was only supposed to be about an hour long so I can't fault it for that. Sometimes the story moved a little too quickly and sporadically, much like Black Dynamite once again, but again this is somewhat attributed to time constraints. Not all of the characters fit into the mold as well as they could have (Carl as Yoda is a strange but mediocre choice for him in my eyes and Mort as Lando Calrissian was necessary but stupid) and Meg's lines, though very brief, were VERY unwelcome. Now that I think about it, that woman that voices Meg (Mila Kunis) is too damn sexy to be voicing such a lame character. She needs a new character, like a new sister older than Chris but younger than Meg, who actually inherited Lois' looks. And another thing: why did George Lucas make the Force scientific? I know MacFarlane didn't really care (he's an atheist) but dammit, when you take the supernatural mystery of religion out of Star Wars you make it less fun...

Wait, I was reviewing a parody. Right, uh, this was good, almost as good as its predecessor but not quite reaching the same greatness. I can say I enjoyed this one more but I don't consider it as good. So, onto the score:

The DiZ Score: 4 out of 5 stars

Now give Mila Kunis a better character, Seth MacFarlane, you nerf herding bastard!

Yep, I'm still out a current gen console and my experiences are still restricted to display rooms and friendly unannounced visits to random houses, but somewhere between my pathetic attempts as video game nirvana I managed to get a solid grasp of the (possible) new phenomenon in rhythm based gaming: DJ Hero.

Bias would have played a major part in my review for this game if my love for music was any stronger, but it wasn't exactly difficult to balance out everything. After dozens of visits to Best Buy, half a dozen to Wal Mart, and one lucky house party featuring the new game, there was enough gaming experience to formulate a solid review and the response was a resounding: "It's okay..."

The rhythm based genre of games has always been an exercise in simple gameplay and great music, and in this respect DJ Hero glitters, not so much shines. The soundtrack is, as expected from the minds behind all Guitar Hero games from 3 on up, epic, a masterful list of mash ups that encompasses elements of hip hop (obviously) and a surprising amount of other genres and artists, from Isaac Hayes to Tears for Fears. Each recording is done to perfection. That leaves the gameplay to have to match the soundtrack though, and here's where we run into a couple of snags.

The interface is almost scary in how much is resembles Guitar Hero, but it works. Three buttons and some basic scratching techniques and you have the basic level. You add the fader bar and you hit the first snag.  This particular feature is still in the earliest stages and sliding it from left to right isn't the most responsive motion.  There's a loose (at best) distinction between the left, middle and right sides of it.  The "euphoria" button (comparable to star power from Guitar Hero) is placed a little too out of the way and the ultimate idea behind it is clever but done strangely; it allows you to go back to a previous section you didn't quite excel at and try it again.  The samples are a little too generic but in some songs they are a perfect fit.  

Here's another glimpse into the life of DiZ: Nujabes is his favorite non-US producer. I had to go on a US hip hop sabbatical one time because the radio was getting on my nerves in playing nothing but mainstream bullshit. This might have been around the time of Lil Wayne's first step to mega-fame (I still liked him back when he was Carter 2 Wayne) or possibly even earlier, I can't say for sure, but I left the US for my hip hop and went off to other nations, starting east. I stopped in London, heard some stuff but didn't really stick to it. I went down to Africa and heard some stuff, and I liked it but it was put on the back burner because I couldn't understand everything. I hopped up to the Middle East and examined the close relationship between hip hop and the skateboarding culture (and the religious aspects combating some of the music) and said to myself that I'd come back when pigs flew or a black man was pretty much running the world (this was before pigs had wings and Barack Obama wasn't even on my radar). I hopped to China and left because there were too many voices and finally I took a break in Japan to rest my feet.

Two words that hardly go into the same sentence are "rap" and "longevity".  It's rare that you see too many rappers start their careers in their late teens/early twenties and still have even an inkling of relevance when they push or even surpass forty.  There are, of course, exceptions like Jay-Z (who can't seem to come to terms with the fact that he's nearly forty) and there are some that disappear right off the map after one song (Craig Mack).  On the other hand you have some solo acts and groups that are lauded for their talent in staying in the game, like UGK, who some people will say are the greatest group for the sole purpose of being around since they are in their late teens.  Don't worry, I'm making a point with this one.

With my Xbox still out of commission and all my money going into school I have no way to reach a consistent area of  console gaming as of right now.  I do computer games but they take a little too long to obtain and it requires me to get rid of more valuable stuff on my PC to so that's a rarity as well.  That leaves me to no major gaming this semester, my friends, but I still play all kinds of games that have more humble origins.  Flash games and freeware are on my radar for the time being, Newgrounds especially.  If you've never been there then check it out here.   I'm a big fan of the flash movies but some of the games are of incredible quality, one of these being the greatest game you will ever play: You Have to Burn the Rope.

Greetings, fan.  Fans, maybe, plural, I don't know.  Well, I'm going home for a bit; have to go back for the funeral of one of my mentors.  I may not be posting much for this occasion so this is me and a simple "Catch ya in a bit!"  So, catch ya in a bit!

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Okay... let's talk about Prince for a second. We're not talking about Jehovah's Witness Prince. We're not even talking about Purple Rain Prince. No, we're going back, WAY BACK, to his third album, where he wasn't rocking purple suits yet but crazy jackets and thongs. Way back when he was standing naked or nearly naked at concerts and his music was considered the nastiest thing to ever come out of someone's mouth. Well Prince, you can take solace in knowing that some of your work is still that nasty. Dirty Mind marked a turning point in the Minnesota sound. Gone was the commercial sound of the first albums and here was the now experimental and overly sexual sounds of Minnesota's finest. Most of the production was done by Prince himself and if this didn't paint Prince as a sex symbol (or at the very least a musical wet dream for women (and certain men I suppose) everywhere) then it marked him as just plain creepy at times. Let's get into this short album's short review and try to stay kind of innocent throughout.

Prince comes out of the gate with Dirty Mind, which is about exactly what it sounds like. Prince talks about some of his sexual thoughts, almost like a sampler for the rest of the album. From here he gets into When You Were Mine, a stalker/coward/pathetic kind of track devoted to how even after breaking up with a woman he's still really into her. It's the detail of what the other guy was doing throughout the entire process that creeps me out. Do It All Night is just another anthem to sex; essentially Prince is talking about how he wants to do it all night long. Yeah, there's nothing hidden in that track, no hidden message or anything. He wants to have sex all night long, period.

The raunchy talk takes a little break with Gotta Broken Heart Again. It's the "I miss my baby" track. I'm not mad at that, not at all. But the sex comes back with Uptown. I like this track because it's not just some sex track as much as a vision of a personal utopia, something of a hedonistic society much like I myself want to create one day. And after this... *sigh*... okay, before I mention the next track allow me to explain how Uptown is kind of like a part one of a three part track. The two songs following it seem to blend with the feel perfectly and act as examples of this utopia. With that being said... *sigh* let's get into... Head.

Head is about exactly what it sounds like. Prince is trying to get a woman about to marry someone to have sex with him, and she consents to head. Wow. I can't make that up, and in my first time hearing this album I thought this was the nastiest you could get. Nope. The next track, Sister, blows that track's brains out (insert joke here) as he talks about an incestuous relationship with his own sister. No. This takes the cake as the nastiest song I have ever heard. Sorry Scarface. Sorry Brotha Lynch Hung. You two niggas gotta take note: Prince in his early days was a total freak, and God bless him, he was a great singer-songwriter at the same time!

We end the album with the track Partyup, which is a good way to bring the album to a close but a bit of a let down considering the three previous tracks. The music Prince brings to sound as a whole is more than innovative. It's just unbelievable. I remember there was a debate long ago about who was better: Michael Jackson or Prince. With Michael's passing I don't think such a question can ever be properly be answered by a large crowd, but me, considering Michael's evolutionary take to pop as opposed to Prince's revolutionary approach to music, hold Prince in a slightly higher regard. He's calmed down the sex talk now thanks to religion but he's yet to really lose a step; even has a sexy young protege I wanna turn into my Darling Nikki. Yeah, Prince crafted a monster with Dirty Mind, and after listening to it I can say that I'm just a little dirtier myself.

The DiZ Score: 5 out of 5

This is a simple filler post talking briefly about what albums/games/movies/TV shows I'm going to review shortly.  This one is specifically about music though.  The things to be reviewed in a short time are:

I love anime, and for some reason purple haired girls in anime are unnecessarily sexy. Was that a tangent? No, not really, because this is about anime and more specifically the infamous Pokemon. Let's forget about the popularity of the little pocket monsters and look past the trading card phenomenon and the long running cartoon and the amazing video games, and we can see what Pokemon is really about: SLAVERY!

Yep, we're not going to talk about the racial stereotypes and blackface:
Let's forget about the fact that the show is responsible for thousands of seizures:

Let's look past the transgenders:

We can even look beyond the support of the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms:

And we're not even going to touch the topic of September 11th insensitivity (this one isn't so harsh as the others; the episodes were made before the event even occurred):

Nope, we're going to focus on the slavery aspects and how pikachu is the token black guy.

Yeah... creepy. In any case, let's get into it.

Don't say I don't like Pokemon; as a franchise I think it's genius. Take something as simple as capturing monsters and using them to do your bidding and then create more than 300 types of creatures you can capture and use to do your bidding and what do you have? A basic concept. Expand on it a bit and you have methods for capturing them and various locales reminiscent of the land they originated at. Now you have a stronger concept. Lastly you add the financial backing of a large company and television, movie, and video game presence and there you have a phenomenon. Isn't it great? When Pokemon started I was one of those kids that loved it too, one of those "I wanna go see the Pokemon movie!" kids that was visibly disappointed when he didn't get his promo card. I was one of those kids that collected the cards but didn't have a clue how to play the game. I was one of those kids that begged his parents day in and day out for a Game Boy just so I could play the game. In a way the game is the main reason I still like the franchise; when they finally make a console version of it I'll be pretty happy. In any case, it's a genius creation, and because of all the glitz and glamor of it the underlying (and I might be reading too much into this, sue me) themes of it can be tossed aside rather calmly.

I mentioned the aforementioned elements because I notice them now as opposed to when I first watched the episodes, those I remember at least. Some of them I waited a little while to see because they were banned in the USA. When I went back to watch them I was just happy to see the shows, didn't really take into consideration the more adult elements of it all. Then again, as I grew up I started to think just a bit more adult as well, both positively and negatively. I noticed the budding love and/or sexual tension between Ash and Misty but I was also wondering how she would have looked after... er... "development"... yeah, I'm assuming something like this:
I don't know, that's just me. You have to remember that this was and is a children anime, so you can't think or say things like that on the regular. Even so, and I'll admit it now, I don't understand why they gave all the females on this program breasts except for Misty. Moving away from the dirty thoughts, Pokemon is a concept based around catching and using creatures, all for the purpose of self gratification and sloth. The parallels can be drawn very easily between this and slavery, but there are so many elements thrown within to mask this to a degree. Take the capturing method first of all: the pokeball:
Notice how Wario is attempting to capture this pikachu. He's throwing a ball at him in hopes of capturing him and keeping him captive, and why? To use him. Much like the cubicle and the eternal damnation of Drew Carey's middle management existence, the pokeball is used to control and keep organized the creatures caught. They are then carried around or put into storage, confined to a box made by "Bill" and kept there until the master - "trainer" - lets them out.

Pokemon are used for battle purposes and to work. Some people simply play with pokemon, warranting a strange form of bestiality, but I wonder just why in the hell you need to literally capture a creature to play with it. That's cruelty.

The trainers are mirrors of slave masters. They capture these creatures and use them to their bidding, deciding whether or not to let them go eventually if they please. Ash, the main character of the anime, has, to the best of my knowledge, released two slaves, I mean pokemon: a pidgeot(to) and a butterfree. When he embarked on a new adventure he simply brought along pikachu (getting to him in a minute) and put the others in storage. No, that's cruelty.

Pikachu... the token black guy. Pikachu is the benchmark for the token character, the one exception to the rule of the usual pokemon by being the "free" pokemon that follows his master like a loyal "house nigga" and defends him from most dangers. Alternatively, he displays a mind of his own and doesn't always bend to Ash's will, but 9 times out of 10 he will. Ash's other pokemon are captives and they stay in their balls until called out, at least until Ash gets rid of them (correction: he actually let go of a lot of pokemon) or they get out of control. Example: Charmander, who was obedient and turned to Charmeleon, who was lazy and only turned obedient to immediately cross the final threshold into becoming the almighty Charizard... who didn't give a shit what Ash had to say and fought on his own terms. And lost. Often. Unless he listened to Ash. I found that to be funny: a rebellious pokemon doing his own thing and only succeeding when listening to his master? Oh my, that's not strange at all! Bastards...
When you consider it, looking past the simple animal cruelty, a lot of the pokemon are racial stereotypes within themselves. Let's look at some of those. First off: Snorlax
Fat, lazy, useless... with the exception of when he's awake. That way he can stand up for two seconds and fall asleep again, falling on the enemy. He's a waste of space and he can't even do one sit up, and I find it crazy that he resembles a new character on primetime:
Next victim: Psyduck!
The mentally retarded and overweight duck that can't remember how to do anything but be stupid! For shame! Even his clone was a moron! Even capturing this thing was a mistake! What more is there to say?

I'm going slightly off topic but maybe that's for the best. Going any deeper into this topic is like forbidden territory: you want to delve into it but you know that you shouldn't. Too often in this show there is an element of the "happy slave" that joyfully follows the words and actions of his master, and any sort of rebellion is met by failure. I've always wondered why humans weren't capable of being captured by pokeballs, but that would just open up the door to dirty thoughts (I know I wish I could have captured Mya in a pokeball, insert sexual innuendo here) and we can't have that on a kid's show... can we? I'm DiZ: I rant about it so you don't have to. Lastly, to remind you of the evil of Pokemon:

I'll be the first to say it: I want Phonte to step into the booth again and start rapping. That's no reflection on his skill as a singer, but since I consider Little Brother to be one of southern hip hop's most valuable collectives they need to come back one day, just like Black Star, one of New York hip hop's most valuable collectives, need to come back. Nowadays everyone has seemed to go there own ways. Rapper Big Pooh is doing his thing, showing improvement in his mixtapes and albums. 9th Wonder left the group and we're still waiting for The Wonder Years to come out. That track So Sincurr is still incredible to me. As for Phonte, the unofficial leader, definite frontman, what has he been up to? He's been singing with his Netherlands connect, Nicolay.

The opening track, Daykeeper, features singer Muhsinah and serves as the most interpretive track on the album, a sweet and haunting kind of distant love track, with windy moments and rising suns. It could be my favorite track on the album, but I try not to play favorites all like that. Next we have Take Off The Blues, featuring longtime Little Brother collaborator Darien Brockington in a more uptempo invitation for Phonte's lady to chill out and relax with him a little bit. No, it's not a sex song either. This track is just great for the message and the trumpet solo in the latter half of it. From here we go into the two parter again featuring soulful stylings from Mr. Darien Brockington, All Or Nothing/Coming Home To You. When I first played through the album way back when I fell in love with this song because of the humorous intro skit. The song kind of examines the specifics of relationships and how some things are a little too petty to be knitpicking about. The second part of the track is more Darien Brockington heavy and it's the sequel of sorts, hence the title. In part one the narrator (Phonte) is getting kicked out, and in part two the narrator (this time Darien) is coming home to the same lady that threw him out for undressing and throwing his clothes on the floor. That's okay though; he wanted to play Xbox on the big TV anyway, ha! This is also a special song because it features one of the two verses that Phonte raps on; rapping takes a MAJOR back seat to singing on the second Foreign Exchange LP, and it shows. The verse is okay, nothing too advanced for someone of Phonte's caliber but it gets the job done.

Well, well, how long has it been since I've written a game review?  Not too long; the real question is how long ago has it been since I did a film review.  I wanna review "Jennifer's Body" because... well, it's Megan Fox... do I need another reason?  No, I don't, and I'd be lying if I said lust wouldn't play a part in the score the film got.  Alas, being of dark of skin and low of yen I can't afford the movies right now and, after some recent developments, I may have to go ballistic against my school because of some old bullshit but that's not for here and I won't rant about it here (fuck this college!)

Before I conduct this re-review let me first apologize to Kid Cudi.  I half assed on his review and, considering just how good it is, I can't actually let that one stand.  It's not a bad review, mind you, just not up to the standards I've set for myself.  I lied to a degree and said that it was impossible to properly review this album.  It's not impossible, just difficult.  Let's try this once again.

In the words of people that hate John McCain, "Go fuck yourself."  Seriously, this isn't the first time that Kanye has done something like this; that nigga does it virtually every award show!  And what pisses me off is that the same people that are crucifying him for having an opinion are the same ones that are going to buy his next album by the dozens.  Here's my middle finger, please take the advice it gives.  DiZ, out.

*Sigh*... I'm not exactly Jay-Z's biggest fan. No, scratch that, I just straight up fucking HATE Jay-Z sometimes. He claimed to be the Michael Jordan (congrats to his recent Hall of Fame induction) of recording, but we have to remember that Jordan was significantly less spectacular in his return and actually disgraced his own name from time to time. That being said, is the title of being the Michael Jordan of Rap as good as it seems? I said I don't like Jay-Z too much, but I have respect for him that doesn't properly reflect that lack of liking him. I don't maintain a "greatest rapper of all time" mentality but I do consider Jay-Z to be one of the greatest, top 5 maybe, top 10 without a doubt. That's crazy because I consider half his catalog to be bullshit. All three Volumes pissed me off because of the mainstream shift he adopted and the second Blueprint album (this is a review for the third if you remember) had me debating how many cars the nigga would need to buy me to repent. Kingdom Come had me wishing *WARNING: hyperbole alert!* the shots he took in the 99 Problems video actually did off him *Hyperbole complete* and... well, speaking about The Blueprint 3 now would ruin the rest of this rant.

Notice I only mentioned part of his discography in that. I love Reasonable Doubt, citing it as Jay's opus and the first (and by the rules of logic it should have been the only) Blueprint album is still one of the most listened to albums in my collection. I wish The Black Album was really his last album because it would have ended his record making career on a MASSIVE high note, higher than Scarface could ever make a woman hit, and American Gangster, despite being a carbon copy of his debut opus, is still one of the best albums of any genre for the year 2007. I feel that Jay-Z and his albums are a mixed bag of hit and miss, and I feel that the misses on a macro scale are more misses than hits. Single wise, track wise, yeah, I think Jay-Z has countless masterpieces, but that's all in the past. This is about the future, and the futuristic sound (KiD CuDi) of The Blueprint 3. This album, like the second installment, is a bit of showcase for other artists, similar to Roc La Familia, which wasn't Jay-Z's album but it was marketed as such to make sales. A friend told be about this, I didn't believe him... let's get into it...

The album starts with the intro (duh) called What We Talking About. Good usage of verbs there, Mr. Carter. Anyway he's back to his old antics, talking about how great he is. I don't give a rat's ass if he's our president's best friend; WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, JAY-Z! You don't have to constantly remind us! You are not Mike Jones! This goes right into Thank You, which is filled to the brim with statistical inaccuracies and more bragging about the shit he gets to do with all his money! Then we get into D.O.A. Skip. Run This Town. Fast forward (I didn't like his lyrics, ha!) to Kanye's verse and call it a day. I've always wondered why people put Kanye on their tracks: he murders ever guest verse he's on without so much as a broken sweat. Besides that I wish a more developed voice was utilized rather than Robyn "I let my boyfriend(s) beat on me" Fenty, better known as Rihanna.

Empire State of Mind COULD have been the best track on the album, if Nas was on the track. Obviously (and I'm not just saying this because I don't like Jay-Z) this is a poor attempt as the magic Nas made TWICE with New York State of Mind. Alicia Keys on the track is just... sexy, so I can't complain about that, but Jay-Z sounds like he should be on a GPS system with this piece. Real As It Gets... uh... this is known as an attempt to get the southern audience. Let me say something: a Young Jeezy guest verse NEGATES ANY CHANCE TO HAVE A CLASSIC ALBUM! That's taking nothing away from Jeezy (one of my favorite voices of the south) but he's not ANYWHERE on the same lyrical scale as Jay-Z, even on his best days! Besides! If you want the southern crowd you need to get Lil Wayne on the track; we all see how great those... are... uh... moving on... On to the Next One (appropriate title) is one of the first tracks that made me sick. Yes, sick. Swizz Beatz didn't do it for me, and Jay's flow was kind of weak. Not his best track, not by a long shot. Then we go into Off That which made me actually agree with Bill O'Reilly (gasp away) in his insult towards Jay-Z. My biggest problem is that he's not utilizing Drake (aka Hip Hop's Latest Wonderboy aka The Best She's Ever Known aka Jimmy) for anything more than a hook, which you know is just wrong right now. At least A Star is Born features the new kid J. Cole. Now to Jay's credit I do love this song, I really love it, because J. Cole is nice and Jay-Z kind of takes the passenger seat to the kid. If this was his intent with the entire album I would be a bit kinder to it. When J. Cole comes out I'll be overjoyed.

Venus vs. Mars was about as effective in my eyes as Ja Rule's The Manual, and both are too presumptuous (like a glass of milk and Chuck Norris). Already Home, the track with the stoner KiD CuDi (see? he's back) is another one of my favorites (it's not all hate). It feels the most... it's almost as if this was the track that was done with no kind of thought, just feeling. I love it. That's two. Hate, a track that I hate, was a leftover from 808s and Heartbreak from what I understand, and it sounds like a leftover from Graduation because I can hear a resemblance to the atrocious Mos Def-assisted Drunk and Hot Girls (God damn you, Mos Def; you lucky you repented with The Ecstatic).

I have to give Reminder a special paragraph to itself. How cruel is it, you who is reading this, to pretty much do the musical equivalent to the MTV show Cribs? Remember the episode of The Boondocks where MTV Cribs came to Thugnificent's house? You know how real that was? He pretty much said, no, EXPLICITLY said that he was showing the world how great it was to be him and how fucked up it was to be anyone else. THAT'S WHAT THIS TRACK IS! It's a reminder that he's great and we're not. Fuck you, Jay-Z! Fuck you, your money, your wife... no, I'm leaving Beyonce out of this one... your cars, your hoes, your affair with Rihanna, fuck all of that!

Ahem... let me chill out a little bit. So Ambitious was... it was so-so, can't hate for real. The final track... the verdict from a lot of people is that its a bad track. Young Forever, despite being a cheap song, is actually one of the songs I'm feeling the most from the LP. Is it great? No. Good? I'll roll with that. Maybe I was just happy the album was over.

Now, anyone that reads this is probably going to say, "DiZ, you fucking idiot, you're a hater!" Yes, I do hate on Jay-Z, but at what point did I actually say I hated Jay-Z on a musical level? I don't. Even his albums that I hate are good in some capacity, though much less that those that I like. I hate In My Lifetime to the point of burning it with gasoline, matches and lemon juice, but dammit he had some powerful tracks on it. I hated Hard Knock Life with a passion, but dammit I love those singles. I hate Volume 3 but shit... actually I just straight hate Volume 3. Fuck that album. I hate the Blueprint 2 because it diminished Mr. Carter's lyrical genius with numerous guest appearances. Kingdom Come was just ass... a couple of good tracks but nothing breathtaking.

You know my biggest problems with Shawn "I should have retired several albums ago" Carter? He's like David Xanatos. You ever watch Gargoyles? Xanatos is the guy that brings the gargoyles back to life in a sense, breaking the curse and all. His biggest fear is death, or growing old, whatever. Jay-Z refuses to grow up. He said that 30 was the new 20. His ass needs to recognize that 30 is now and forever the present 30. Now he's pushing 40 and he's afraid that he'll no longer be relevant. Xanatos killed his own son after gaining immortality... in an alternate world... but that's beside the point. You don't gain immortality by putting out subpar material until you can't even sit up and have to do your music line by line (Curtis Mayfield reference). After countless references to himself being like Frank Sinatra he has to realize a couple of things about Sinatra. For one, Sinatra knew how to share the spotlight, something he didn't do properly with this album. Sinatra, Martin and Davis, Jr. ran the world in their lifetimes. For two, Sinatra knew when to slow it down. Jay-Z hasn't done such a thing. Lastly, Sinatra knew when to just sit down and engage in his other endeavors, which Jay-Z should have done a long time ago. He's rich, has bitches, has a wife, has a mistress, pretty much won financially and professionally against his one time enemy, has money, and even convinced people that 30 is the new 20. No, 30 is not the new 20 and Jay-Z needs to hang the mic up and let the new generation take over. When we have people already saying that Drake is one of the greatest rappers of all time we need NEW guys knocking these stupid fools down, not old legends. KRS does guest appearances. Kane does guest appearances. Jay-Z needs to go to this stage of hip hop, just like LL, just like E-40. Rappers have shelf lives, and Jay is pushing his. He's slowing down. Better to leave on a high note than stay when you could either hit or miss. That's my two cents of the whole Blueprint 3 thing. Call me a hater, I don't care, this is my review, not yours.

The DiZ Score: 3 out of 5

Rant: done.

Hello, I'm the Nostalgic Gamer. I remember it so you don't have to. Heh, get the reference? If you don't then click on this: The Nostalgic Critic. The Nostalgic Critic is a guy with glasses that remembers old movies (most of them bad, some of them the epitome of evil because of the direction of one Uwe Boll) and does it in moderately lengthy videos, similar to Yahtzee. You don't know Yahtzee either? Fuck... okay, go here then, dumbass: Zero Punctuation. Differences lie in media outlet and time of the stuff reviewed. Me, I'm a fan of both, so I'm going to combine elements of both (which I kind of already do) and do it from a textual standpoint, inserting videos and pictures throughout to make a point. Sound good? Fantastic. That's the proper format for all preceding posts.

You know, I don't usually do sports. I'm not talking about football or basketball, I love those; I'm talking about football or basketball video games. Why? For that very reason above: if I really want to play football or basketball I can do it myself. On the occasions I DO play sports video games they either come with the system (recalling my Dreamcast) or they're so over-the-top that you couldn't (or shouldn't) do them in life (Blitz: The League). But this is actually a relatively recent phenomena in me, considering I only really started this in the early part of the new millennium. Before that I was playing NBA Live and Madden like everyone else.

The Madden thing... well, if I talked about that already then I talked about it already, I don't like EA Sports for a reason. NBA Live 96 was my favorite basketball game of all time, and I'm not just saying that because it was one of the first I played. I liked it because it was oddly unbalanced. Every time I used the Raptors I could never miss a three pointer. Believe me, I tried, but I never missed one. So I cheated, in a sense, and beat my friends mercilessly. Then, I got another basketball game.

Back in a time when games were 16 bit - and consequently the world made sense - there was a basketball player named Charles Barkley, the latest retired ball player to catch the political bug, that dominated the game. He was the face of the new basketball game known as "Shut Up and Jam", a 2-on-2 street tournament style game featuring a host of people with stats and funky names, exotic locales such as Watts and Brooklyn, and of course Sir Charles, the king of the rebound. There was basic stereotypical hip hop loops for music, Charles telling you to get the damn ball if it was just on the ground, and half of the blocked shots were goaltending violations. I loved it.

Let me tell you something: Barkley Shut Up and Jam had something most basketball games of the time didn't have: stunning realism combined with stunning unrealism. Do you play streetball? I did. There were no fouls or goaltending, no time limits, just playing the damn game until mama called you back for dinner. When you got hit there was nothing pretty about it; you hit the ground hard and you were lying there until you moved. You try to dunk you will get knocked the fuck down if you're a presumptuous little dipshit. You don't fly around the country to play; you go in the backyard or that court down the street. You have funny ass names and you wear your hat backwards. That's streetball. Until NBA Street came along (kinda...) this kind of beautiful game was one in a million, and I still play it today, yes, I still play it, and you know why? Because its fun, like Mystical Ninja (you gotta have an acquired taste for that one...), and until there's another game of that caliber created I give the big middle finger to all other streetball games!

Granted... you may be thinking, "DiZ, you ill informed aphrodisiac, wasn't there a sequel to that game?" To you I respond with this question: you should be ashamed of yourself. We will NOT discuss that awful ass game here... not for many days... DiZ, out!