Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris Lamb, and I am known as the DiZ. You might be asking yourself, "Self, who is this sexual piece of chocolate with the sexy eyes here?" Well, that is me. You might also be asking yourself, "Self, what is 'Guaranteed to Get You Children, Volume 1'?" Well, to answer that question allow me to explain my actions.

I love music and I love the sound of a woman after a fresh orgasm. Yes, I mean it just like that, I'm a very audio person and I love hearing women in joy because they enjoyed themselves. When I watch Maury Povich's show I weep, because half the women up there don't know what it means to make love to a man. Questions? Good. When a woman has sex and doesn't enjoy the moment then the result is (and yes, this is mildly vague) unwanted results afterward, sometimes manifesting in a child. I've heard it time and time again: women that have children from sexual experiences that weren't pleasurable turn out to be terrible parents to their children. It implies that the baby wasn't planned and the sex was just awful. That's no good.

I've beat around the bush for a little while now and I present my mixtape. The name says it all. My goal in life (this mixtape) is to make sex a total pleasure; this mixtape is an aphrodisiac and was designed to do the following things:

1. help in the making of children for couples
2. assist in making all parties involved hit the highest possible vocal notes during coitus
3. put the lubricants and jellies stored in houses nationwide to use
4. all of the above

That's why I made this list, and big names like Alicia Keys and Janet Jackson, along with more underground crooners such as Stone Mecca, are compiled in such a way to maximize pleasure and increase the chance of a massive orgasm. Don't believe me? Then tell me why one of my friends listed to this from start to finish and three tracks into it she was soaking wet. Don't believe me? Guess you won't know until you hear it then, will you?

I insert this disclaimer before the track list, however. I am NOT responsible for any children or diseases gained during sex while this collection of music is played, spoken of or thought about. Don't blame me for that shit; blame your horny behaviors. Remember to practice safe sex and only try for a baby if you're married and in good standing to actually support a child YOUR DAMN SELF! Don't be running to your parents for shit; they just gonna laugh and say, "It's yo problem; I did my time."

Great. With that said and done... I present...

The DiZ Presents... "Guaranteed to Get You Children" Volume 1 [mixtape]

1. TLC: Red Light District
   
2. Syleena Johnson feat. Twista: Phone Sex
3. Ginuwine: So Anxious
4. R. Kelly: It Seems Like You're Ready
5. Janet Jackson: Warmth
6. Janet Jackson: Moist
7. Alicia Keys: Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready)
8. Robin Thicke: Sex Therapy
9. Stone Mecca and RZA: The Walk
10. Esthero: Superheroes
11. D'Angelo: Untitled (How Does It Feel)
12. R. Kelly: Pregnant

Download, unzip, enjoy, and again, I am NOT responsible for any kids. Have fun!