It ain't often I go back in time to hate on a movie, but I have to today. After going back in time and viewing a number of Phonte's "Movies in a Minute" videos my hatred for this cinematic fiasco came back at full force, as well as memories of lunatic debates I've had with my peers about the film.

Let me get the plot out of the way for those of you that haven't seen it. Will Smith's character is texting on a phone one night while driving and crashes. He kills everybody, literally. So, later in life he calls someone and tells them that he's committing suicide. He spends his life until his stupid suicide (I have a LOT of beef with his suicide; not that he committed it but how it was done) seeking reasonable hosts for his organs after he dies. He does, and sadly he has to involve Rosario Dawson into it. Everybody he finds (seven people to replace the seven he murdered) needs something, organ transplants or whatnot, so when it comes time to off himself Will Smith gets into a pool of ice cold water and -this is where I TOTALLY break out laughing- drops a jellyfish into the tub to kill himself. No lie, he kills himself with a motherfucking jellyfish. After wards his organs (preserved by the ice cold water) are given to the people and they live happy lives. Yay...

I have a LOT of problems with this movie, and only some of them come from my faith. Let's get that one out the way first. Will Smith's (technically Tim Thomas' (seriously, who wrote this bullshit?!)) "redemption though death" ideology is sure to offend a lot of religious faiths and the fact that audience (most of them, not me) got attached to the man only made his self-execution a very devastating event. Tears and wailing and "NO!!!!", most women and a small population of men were shedding tears of fear when they saw Tim Thomas (that name is terrible!) kill himself. For Christians like myself there is immediately a "He's going straight to Hell" thought in the mind (hence why I was laughing hysterically at Timmy's passing) and for other faiths, of which I am no expert, I'm sure there was the thought running through the head. A lot of people are going to claim that his emotional torment overwhelmed his common sense. I agree, because if he was smart he would have spent his life honoring their memory and doing everything he could to make ALL LIVES better, much like Will Smith does in life by just walking down the damn street!

That brings me to another point: Will Smith knows movies. What do I mean by that? He knows what the people want to see or what will make them pour money into theaters, much like Tyler Perry does. Will Smith knew that a sappy lost love story would attract women like Oprah at a Cold Stone Creamery. Will Smith knew that Rosario Dawson's presence would attract the men like the offer of a threesome with Halle Berry, Sanaa Lathan and Free (you'd have love for that). Most importantly, he knew that everyone would flock to the movie for the simple fact that he's Will Smith, and Will Smith equals movie magic, no matter how good (I Am Legend, Men in Black, The Pursuit of Happyness) or how bad (Hancock, Hitch, Men in Black 2, Ali, Wild Wild West) or how mediocre (Independence Day, Enemy of the State) the piece of cinematography happens to be. I respect this skill of Will Smith's like I respect Soulja Boy's skill of knowing what will make him money.

I respect the power of love and responsibility, but Tim Thomas (that name...) did it, in my opinion, wrong. I've asked a lot of people this question: how would you have redeemed yourself if you were in Tim Tho... if you were in the shoes of the guy Will Smith played? To my (lack of) surprise, no one said they would do what Will Smith did. Excuse me, loyal, possible dick riding Will Smith fan, but in what way do you connect to this movie then? You like it from a technical point of view or a story point of view? I can respect it big time from a technical point of view, because I like camerawork. I like timing. I like characters. But I don't like the message this movie is coincidentally giving off. If I killed seven people in a car crash, I'd either be in jail, be dead from the wrath of a family member of one of the deceased, or spending my life atoning for what I've done, not bitching out and killing myself in some self pity moment.

Granted, I can't say I don't borderline see what he was thinking. He wanted to help people. Fair enough. I'm not mad at that. He killed himself to do it. No, that's not a good look, Smith. He gave away seven pounds of his flesh (eight if you assume he screwed Ms. Dawson one night) to save people. Very good intent, very bad method of doing so. Still, my greatest grievance with this piece of shit movie is his method of dying.






















A jellyfish? Seriously? Look, I'm not advocate of suicide, not advocate of any kind of death outside of a natural one, but if you're going to kill yourself then for the love of God, at least do it less "Tony" than this. Poison yourself, shoot yourself, slit your wrist, drown yourself, but here this nigga go, in a tube of ice and water, and a pet jellyfish (no one keeps pet jellyfish) that stings him. Ain't this a bitch? I'm praying that the writer of this movie didn't get inspired by a man that actually killed himself in such an elaborate manner because then I feel a bit bad about laughing hysterically. If not, though, well...