Guaranteed to Get You Children, Volume 1

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris Lamb, and I am known as the DiZ. You might be asking yourself, "Self, who is this sexual piece of chocolate with the sexy eyes here?" Well, that is me. You might also be asking yourself, "Self, what is 'Guaranteed to Get You Children, Volume 1'?" Well, to answer that question allow me to explain my actions.

I love music and I love the sound of a woman after a fresh orgasm. Yes, I mean it just like that, I'm a very audio person and I love hearing women in joy because they enjoyed themselves. When I watch Maury Povich's show I weep, because half the women up there don't know what it means to make love to a man. Questions? Good. When a woman has sex and doesn't enjoy the moment then the result is (and yes, this is mildly vague) unwanted results afterward, sometimes manifesting in a child. I've heard it time and time again: women that have children from sexual experiences that weren't pleasurable turn out to be terrible parents to their children. It implies that the baby wasn't planned and the sex was just awful. That's no good.

I've beat around the bush for a little while now and I present my mixtape. The name says it all. My goal in life (this mixtape) is to make sex a total pleasure; this mixtape is an aphrodisiac and was designed to do the following things:

  1. help in the making of children for couples
  2. assist in making all parties involved hit the highest possible vocal notes during coitus
  3. put the lubricants and jellies stored in houses nationwide to use
  4. all of the above
That's why I made this list, and big names like Alicia Keys and Janet Jackson, along with more underground crooners such as Stone Mecca, are compiled in such a way to maximize pleasure and increase the chance of a massive orgasm. Don't believe me? Then tell me why one of my friends listed to this from start to finish and three tracks into it she was soaking wet. Don't believe me? Guess you won't know until you hear it then, will you?

I insert this disclaimer before the track list, however. I am NOT responsible for any children or diseases gained during sex while this collection of music is played, spoken of or thought about. Don't blame me for that shit; blame your horny behaviors. Remember to practice safe sex and only try for a baby if you're married and in good standing to actually support a child YOUR DAMN SELF! Don't be running to your parents for shit; they just gonna laugh and say, "It's yo problem; I did my time."

Great. With that said and done... I present...

The DiZ Presents... "Guaranteed to Get You Children" Volume 1 [mixtape]
  1. TLC: Red Light District
  2. Syleena Johnson feat. Twista: Phone Sex
  3. Ginuwine: So Anxious
  4. R. Kelly: It Seems Like You're Ready
  5. Janet Jackson: Warmth
  6. Janet Jackson: Moist
  7. Alicia Keys: Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready)
  8. Robin Thicke: Sex Therapy
  9. Stone Mecca and RZA: The Walk
  10. Esthero: Superheroes
  11. D'Angelo: Untitled (How Does It Feel)
  12. R. Kelly: Pregnant
Download, unzip, enjoy, and again, I am NOT responsible for any kids. Have fun!

The DiZ Reviews: Something Something Something Dark Side

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.

Incest is weird. That's not how I wanted to start off this review but I'm really starting to ponder the relationship pre-revelation of Luke and Leia and a line from Return of the Jedi that now sticks out to me. If you think about it hard enough then you'll get it.

Seth MacFarlane is an interesting character. A comic genius, richest cartoonist in Hollywood quite possibly, he's completely turned the world of American animation on its head with his flagship series, the invincible Family Guy. Canceled once, revived and stronger than ever, the series has been criticized by many animation masters for relying on cheap humor and it has equally been praised for its commentary; ironically enough sometimes the very people that put the man on blast utilized his many talents for their own projects.

Seth MacFarlane, the 100 million dollar man; the success of his show can be attributed, more than likely, to two reasons. One is Stewart Gilligan Griffin, the sexually ambiguous toddler and breakout character whose matricidal ambitions made him funny but whose homosexual tendencies made him a star, and the other is the what I like to call the "QTTV factor". That acronym stands for "Quentin Tarantino for Television" factor. See, Quentin Tarantino is a lot of things but one thing all, I repeat, ALL of his movies display is a slick homage to pop culture. Seth MacFarlane does this flawlessly with his infamous cartoon. Every episode is filled to the brim with jokes and insults that reflect the general ideas of whats going on in the world. Case in point, Seth MacFarlane knows pop culture and he uses that knowledge well. He uses it to the point where it gets him three shows on FOX and the occasional "almost live" special. So, we've explored Seth MacFarlane a very little bit. But he has a bit of a hiding place, I guess you could call it, a constant source of jokes and humor that he utilizes often and possibly unnecessarily. That source is the brain child of George Lucas: Star Wars.

I'm not going into the story of Star Wars; that's a post for a later day. I love Star Wars though and I try to keep up with the canon. The original trilogy (episodes 4 through 6 for those that don't know) is easily my favorite trilogy of films ever (The Godfather would have that crown if that bitch Coppola didn't fuck up the third one... *shakes fist*) and I take all spoofs, homages, tributes, parodies and half hour specials related to it seriously. That is except for Blue Harvest. The first Family Guy spoof of Star Wars, based on Episode 4: A New Hope, was a very tongue-in-cheek miniature remake of its origins. It followed the story great and inserted appropriate humor in all facets, even breaking away from the cutaway gags that made the show so popular/hated, save for a single one but it was so well integrated into the story that it almost didn't count.

I loved this parody for a lot of reasons but the main reason was that it did something I didn't expect: it pointed out the flaws. Seth MacFarlane actually pointed out the inconsistencies and stupidities of Episode 4: A New Hope and did it with perfect style. You might be asking, "DiZ, you carnal nerf herder you, what do you mean?" Well, here are some examples. When Han Solo was getting away from Star Destroyers and said he knew some maneuvers to get away, why did he just lazily veer to the left? If parsecs are a unit of distance, how can someone get there in less than 12 parsecs? These are things that made no sense and they were on the forefront in Blue Harvest. Now that I've talked for five paragraphs about everything but this special. Let's get into it now.

I can't tell you the story so much because the story is already known: it's Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back as told in the humor of Family Guy. Peter plays Han again, Lois plays Leia, Chris is Luke, Brian is Chewie, and Stewie is, of course, Darth Vader. The humor spread throughout is classic, perfectly fit into the situations. There are more cutaway gags but they play into the story integrally, not just for the sake of humor for humors sake. The number of inconsistencies mentioned, which was massive in Blue Harvest, was cut down in this one. That was a little strange to me but the bulk of the humor came from the blending of Family Guy canon and the Star Wars canon. I like how the rebel base was contradictory in itself because the electricity was plugged into ice. That's one of the few contradictions the movie shows. I like even more how the many, MANY secondary characters have prominent roles in the story, and by prominent I mean more than five seconds of screen time.

Much like Black Dynamite, this homage is great in the simple fact that it does nothing to take away from Star Wars and equally adds to the legendary series. Sure, I have my gripes. I felt it was a little too short, but it was only supposed to be about an hour long so I can't fault it for that. Sometimes the story moved a little too quickly and sporadically, much like Black Dynamite once again, but again this is somewhat attributed to time constraints. Not all of the characters fit into the mold as well as they could have (Carl as Yoda is a strange but mediocre choice for him in my eyes and Mort as Lando Calrissian was necessary but stupid) and Meg's lines, though very brief, were VERY unwelcome. Now that I think about it, that woman that voices Meg (Mila Kunis) is too damn sexy to be voicing such a lame character. She needs a new character, like a new sister older than Chris but younger than Meg, who actually inherited Lois' looks. And another thing: why did George Lucas make the Force scientific? I know MacFarlane didn't really care (he's an atheist) but dammit, when you take the supernatural mystery of religion out of Star Wars you make it less fun...

Wait, I was reviewing a parody. Right, uh, this was good, almost as good as its predecessor but not quite reaching the same greatness. I can say I enjoyed this one more but I don't consider it as good. So, onto the score:

The DiZ Score: 4 out of 5 stars

Now give Mila Kunis a better character, Seth MacFarlane, you nerf herding bastard!

The DiZ Reviews: Inglorious Basterds (The Leonard Maltin Tribute Review)

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.


Watch it.

The DiZ Score: 5 out of 5

The DiZ Reviews: DJ Hero

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.


Yep, I'm still out a current gen console and my experiences are still restricted to display rooms and friendly unannounced visits to random houses, but somewhere between my pathetic attempts as video game nirvana I managed to get a solid grasp of the (possible) new phenomenon in rhythm based gaming: DJ Hero.

Bias would have played a major part in my review for this game if my love for music was any stronger, but it wasn't exactly difficult to balance out everything. After dozens of visits to Best Buy, half a dozen to Wal Mart, and one lucky house party featuring the new game, there was enough gaming experience to formulate a solid review and the response was a resounding: "It's okay..."

The rhythm based genre of games has always been an exercise in simple gameplay and great music, and in this respect DJ Hero glitters, not so much shines. The soundtrack is, as expected from the minds behind all Guitar Hero games from 3 on up, epic, a masterful list of mash ups that encompasses elements of hip hop (obviously) and a surprising amount of other genres and artists, from Isaac Hayes to Tears for Fears. Each recording is done to perfection. That leaves the gameplay to have to match the soundtrack though, and here's where we run into a couple of snags.

The interface is almost scary in how much is resembles Guitar Hero, but it works. Three buttons and some basic scratching techniques and you have the basic level. You add the fader bar and you hit the first snag.  This particular feature is still in the earliest stages and sliding it from left to right isn't the most responsive motion.  There's a loose (at best) distinction between the left, middle and right sides of it.  The "euphoria" button (comparable to star power from Guitar Hero) is placed a little too out of the way and the ultimate idea behind it is clever but done strangely; it allows you to go back to a previous section you didn't quite excel at and try it again.  The samples are a little too generic but in some songs they are a perfect fit.  


The controls are the primary concern for a rhythm based game, but secondary to that is the graphics, and the irony behind a game like DJ Hero (or Guitar Hero or Rock Band for that matter) is that the graphics you want to see will be impossible to focus on lest you miss the buttons and cues of the scrolling mechanics.  The wheel thing is nice.  The background and atmosphere is nice but if you pay attention to that then you're going to lose.  Background visuals are for the spectators, and that leads to another problem.

The game is a party game for one person, unless you want to fork out a lot of money for another DJ device.  The price ultimately doesn't seem to justify the game.  It's not bad, but it's not the revolution that Guitar Hero was when it first came out.  This game is something of an experiment, and as such (much like Mirror's Edge, much like Tony Hawk Ride) it is up for VAST improvement.  When DJ Hero 2 comes along the issues with the peripheral should be amended and maybe the price will even be a little more reasonable.  As for this game, the novelty value alone would make it worthwhile, but as for a full game its better served as an experiment with room for improvement.  Now, let's see if Scratch: the Ultimate DJ takes a hint...

The DiZ Score: 3.5 out of 5 

The DiZ Reviews: Nujabes' "Mellow Beats, Friends and Lovers"

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.


Here's another glimpse into the life of DiZ: Nujabes is his favorite non-US producer. I had to go on a US hip hop sabbatical one time because the radio was getting on my nerves in playing nothing but mainstream bullshit. This might have been around the time of Lil Wayne's first step to mega-fame (I still liked him back when he was Carter 2 Wayne) or possibly even earlier, I can't say for sure, but I left the US for my hip hop and went off to other nations, starting east. I stopped in London, heard some stuff but didn't really stick to it. I went down to Africa and heard some stuff, and I liked it but it was put on the back burner because I couldn't understand everything. I hopped up to the Middle East and examined the close relationship between hip hop and the skateboarding culture (and the religious aspects combating some of the music) and said to myself that I'd come back when pigs flew or a black man was pretty much running the world (this was before pigs had wings and Barack Obama wasn't even on my radar). I hopped to China and left because there were too many voices and finally I took a break in Japan to rest my feet.


Then, what do you think I heard? I was sitting there, eating a cup of noodles and beef, and I heard the beautiful hip hop of the infamous anime Samurai Champloo. Yes, one of my favorite animes, I had forgotten how rooted (almost entirely) in hip hop it was and I looked for some of the songs, only to fall in love and look for the soundtracks. As I fell in love with those I said to myself, "Self, these men are geniuses... look for more!" And self did, and self found a smorgasbord of music, two albums right off the back and two more later in the year, and another one the next year. And when I finally sat down to look at just who was responsible for so much of this I saw the name: Nujabes.

Nujabes, along with TSUTCHIE and DJ Krush, are my favorite non-US producers (I say non-US because it implies that they have no peers anywhere outside of the US) ever, but Nujabes is the first because his mellow beats not only inspired me but inspired my friends and inspired lovers. I wish I can remember the exact moment I heard his stuff for the first time (it was comparable to my eargasm when I first listened to Illmatic or Lupe Fiasco's Food and Liquor. You see, that's the beauty of his production; Nujabes samples mellow vibes, jazz and sounds of Japan, and he puts them into sick beats, sick beats that he uses to train others, to create proteges, and his independent record label is prime proof of that.

Whew... I don't think I can praise this man enough, nor do I want to stop praising him, but I have to stick to the topic at hand. This is a review for his latest album, the appropriately titled Mellow Beats, Friends and Lovers. Don't let the title deceive you: you will hear a bit of everything they describe in it on this album.

The album begins with a silky smooth cover of the Sade hit "Kiss of Life", production from the master Nujabes and vocals from the talented Giovanca and Benny Sings, a cover I expected to fall under the shadow of the original; to my surprise it came close to achieving the same emotional feel of the original, just falling a mite short for reasons that can't be put on paper. The next track is "After It", another mellow track (what did I tell you?) with a rainy backdrop and bonus production from No. 9; bonus production is a special term I use because Nujabes produces a heavy amount of the album but calls for some guest help often. This is an example, as are several of them. The next song is the nearly 9 and a half minute long "Aurora", produced in collaboration with Chari Chari. I say get this person a sandwich because it takes a special production to last so long and not get annoying. I do think it runs too long but it changes up as the minutes pass by so it stays fresh.

Next we have "Sitting on the Beach", with bonus production from "Calm". I was appreciative of how it wasn't another 9.5 minute monster, thank God; it captured a bit of a beach/islander feel to it like a party on a shore at sunset. The next track is "Green Power" with bonus production from Ino Hidefumi, a sick song combining the mellow with the friends (yep, it's about to shift) that reminds me a little bit of a song called "Angel Eyes", but I can't remember who did that song. Does it feel like a rip off? No, not at all, just a coincidental nod of appreciation I suppose. I don't get the title, not at all, but then again I don't get the names of half of Nujabes' song's titles.

If you haven't figured it out yet, Nujabes likes instrumentals. I do too, lets your imagination run a little wild. That's not to say he doesn't produce for rappers but it's just half of his repertoire. The next song is "Departure", featuring Akira Kosemura. Of all the songs on the album this one is the most friendly (friendly being a tip of the hat to the title of the LP). I think Nujabes meant to insert this kind of logic into the album. In any case this song is a sugary sweet treat, leading right into the one track some people might know in the states. "Right Here" is, I believe, one of the few tracks that Nujabes didn't handle. DJ Mitsu the Beats handles the head nodding, Sunday drive music production and the vocals are handled by one of neo-soul's golden boys (heh...) Dwele. Seriously, I've heard that one or two people have heard this before, but I don't know, who cares? This song is perfect for a Sunday drive or a nice little date with a special young lady (are you seeing this?!) in the mall. Dwele knows what to say.

"Jazzy Joint" is a song by J.A.M. featuring Jose James. After you stop laughing at the alliteration you have to sit down, listen to this song and appreciate the bebop feel to it and note how Jose James is singing and rapping simultaneously in some points. This track feels like a jump into an older era or a sexy night lounge, down to the minimalist feel of the production. After the alliteration massacre we have Sora's "Revans", a hauntingly calm song hard to explain because of how it acts almost like "Departure" did as a transitional song from mellow to friends; this time friends to lovers. Now, "Gelnia", feautring Takagi Masakatsu is probably my favorite instrumental track up here because it has a sound I'd expect from somewhere like Japan while adding a jazzy flair, a trademark of Hydeout Productions. This is a seduction track almost.

Next we dive into "The Session", featuring three people, three names I can't remember. This is to me what the Roots would do if Black Thought wasn't rapping; its something I imagine the Roots doing regardless, just having a jam session for the hell of it. This is a jam session for the hell of it, and a good one at that. All four artists listed (not here but on the track) contribute something akin to a verse and it fits nicely, nice and jazzy. Finally (not the last track but still I'd been waiting for it) is "Lust", a nice way to conclude the lovers aspect of the album (don't worry, I know what I said), and sure enough Rei Harakami just oozes lust with this track, total lust. It's sensual lust too, not "nasty girl bent over for a gangbang" lust but "shy girl enticing you" lust, very different.

World Supreme Funky Fellowship 2102 drops an interesting track with "#1 Dub", maybe my least favorite track but that's not a sign of disrespect or anything so much as a matter of timing; it belonged up in the mellow beats part. Anyway the song is like something a child would be around for, something a child would live to. It's like waking up under a big tree in a meadow with a sleeping puppy next to you. It's kid stuff, just like it needs to be.

My personal favorite track on the album is up now, "Vision Eyes" featuring the rapper Golden Boy (hence my earlier laugh) and Nujabes' protege Uyama Hiroto on production. I heard this song on Uyama's own album, "A Son of the Sun" (which I will review in a short time) and fell in love with it then so listening to it now it's like, "Glad to hear it again." The song is simply Golden Boy gazing at the wonders of life. I like this song, very much so. Next we come to the third vocal track with "Maintain" featuring O.C. and producer Grooveman Spot. We continue with the feel of the past with both the wordplay and the beat, a throwback to the bebop of decades past once again and the golden age rapping of the 80s.

The final song is pure Nujabes again, the Japanese-inspired "Child's Attraction". This is a fine way to close out the album, especially in concluding the fourth theme: childlike memoria. Yep, I just made up a new term. In any case the song ends off the fourth theme with Nujabes doing exactly what he always does, and that's ending the album with an epic feel.

I've had little but great praise for this album and its hard to find many faults, but there are two things that hold this back from taking a place as a classic album in my book. The first and most obvious is mood. The mood this album sets is definitely calm and rest worthy, but at times it can drag on and just sound boring, especially if you're just listening to it track to track and not pausing for anything. Even I found myself nodding a little bit or getting surprised when some of the songs seemed to blend together, especially during a phase or before a transition. My second complain is with the fact that this is a compilation. Compilation albums take a special meaning with Nujabes, however, because it feels like a new album but its a collection of tracks from other albums, something I picked up on the most clearly with the Dwele-assisted track and "Vision Eyes", one track I question the original origin of and the latter one I heard on Uyama's debut. Granted, I'm noticeably biased to compilation albums but I'd be a total hypocrite if I said I didn't have a few floating around in my iPod, one of them ironically enough (not this one) from Nujabes. Maybe I just need to find Hydeout Production's total discography, that'll help out. Until then, though, I have this compilation album and I love it despite my hate for compilation albums.

The DiZ Score: 4 out of 5

The DiZ Reviews: Grand Puba's "2000"

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.

Two words that hardly go into the same sentence are "rap" and "longevity".  It's rare that you see too many rappers start their careers in their late teens/early twenties and still have even an inkling of relevance when they push or even surpass forty.  There are, of course, exceptions like Jay-Z (who can't seem to come to terms with the fact that he's nearly forty) and there are some that disappear right off the map after one song (Craig Mack).  On the other hand you have some solo acts and groups that are lauded for their talent in staying in the game, like UGK, who some people will say are the greatest group for the sole purpose of being around since they are in their late teens.  Don't worry, I'm making a point with this one.


Maxwell Dixon, known by his rap name Grand Puba,  is one part of the landmark hip hop collective Brand Nubian, a socially and politically conscious collective of three rappers and two DJs that created one of the more popular alternative rap albums of the 90s with One for All.  Grand Puba was arguably the frontman of the group, and at this point he might be the oldest.  At 43 he's a walking anamoly, a rapper that still has a bit of significance in the world of hip hop and doesn't flaunt it.  His latest album, Retroactive, while not as acclaimed as his debut, is a sign alone that age may not be the leading killer of careers in rap.  But, this isn't about his latest foray into rap so much as the one I started with.  I didn't really get into Grand Puba until I heard the single from 2000 and from there I went on to listen to more of his stuff and stuff from Brand Nubian (also known as the way I got into the Pharcyde after listening to Fatlip) and I can understand why he never again reached the fame of album number one.  This is a review of 2000 so let's jump into it.  

Puba begins the LP with Very Special, a misleading track that isn't all that special at all.  Grand Puba drops some clever wordplay and displays some comedic lyricism (something he has going for him).  Then it goes right into "I Like It (I Wanna Be Where You Are)" (hope you don't mind, but I'm tired of doing italics on a Mac so I'll do parenthesis) which is no doubt the second most apparent highlight of the album, and a worthy, danceable, fun single.  "A Little of This" shares a problem that "Very Special" does and I'll get to that later, and "Keep On" is standard at best.  "Backstabbers" is the album's standout track because of the way its done.  Nowadays it's pretty common to have a rapper/singer collaboration where they effectively have a conversation with each other but back in 1995 this was still a kind of new concept.  Its not the best song in the world, or even on the album, but its done with the same kind of clever comedy that Grand Puba is known for.

The title track suffers from being too short and too lost in the crowd for being the title track.  "Amazing" is okay, though the beat is a little too inappropriate.  "Don't Waste My Time" is possibly the funniest track on the album if only because of the chorus which features the classic line "Look at that sexy mama", but otherwise it had the potential to be a possible head banger.  "Play It Cool" features Brand Nubian partner Sadat X and the two trade verses on the passable track and Grand Puba gets his bragging/pimping on with  "Playin' the Game".  

The last track on the album is a nod to the kind of music that made him and his group famous, "Change Gonna Come" and while it doesn't feature a Sam Cooke sample it does a fine job in getting a point across.  That's Grand Puba's second album, and I'm at something of a crossroads here.  Grand Puba is one of the rappers I give a serious listen to, one of the emcees I really vibe to, but this album isn't great.  It's okay, but that's it right there: it's okay.

A few of the tracks suffer from being too long, WAY too long, like the first and third track, and tracks that should have a bit of length are too short, like the title track.  Grand Puba isn't the most lyrical emcee out of New York but he's certainly more skilled than he's showing.  On many occasions I heard the same words used almost as if they were part of a stock vocabulary as opposed to trying to spit something new.  And another thing (this isn't a complaint but a query) I'm wondering: who is Stunt Doogie and how do you get respect with a name like that?  Continuing on, the beat choice for a number of the latter tracks is kind of lacking and aside from the last track there's no sign of the Grand Puba that made the Nation of Gods and Earth rapper such a conscious source of hip hop.  Again, it's not a great album but its passable.  That's it, passable.

The DiZ Score: 3 out of 5

The DiZ Reviews: You Have To Burn The Rope

Posted by DiZ, the Chocolate G.O.A.T.

With my Xbox still out of commission and all my money going into school I have no way to reach a consistent area of  console gaming as of right now.  I do computer games but they take a little too long to obtain and it requires me to get rid of more valuable stuff on my PC to so that's a rarity as well.  That leaves me to no major gaming this semester, my friends, but I still play all kinds of games that have more humble origins.  Flash games and freeware are on my radar for the time being, Newgrounds especially.  If you've never been there then check it out here.   I'm a big fan of the flash movies but some of the games are of incredible quality, one of these being the greatest game you will ever play: You Have to Burn the Rope.


Words can't properly define the greatness of this game.  It melds the epitome of complexity with the accessibility of simplicity and a plot that makes the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe go into an alley and cry.  The characters make those of George Lucas look like cardboard cutouts and the sheer awesomeness of the gameplay makes Rockstar Games' cash cow as pathetically simple as Aquaman.

Well, that was kind of mean... in all seriousness though the game is pretty amazing.  You are a small pink ball with a derby hat and an unlimited supply of axes that navigates his way through a small path to reach a large open area featuring the boss: the grinning colossus.  You can throw axes at him but he'll just regenerate his health.  You can't die so you don't have to worry about getting hit by the colossus, but you have to kill him.  So how do you do it?  Well there's a chandelier at the top of the room and some torches on the walls.  You have to jump up with a torch and... well, if I have to explain what to do now then you're a damn moron.  The chandelier falls and the grinning colossus dies.  The screen fades to black and we come to hear the most epic ending theme song ever.  Now You're a Hero is pure bliss.  And that's the game.  Short, sweet and easily won.  I keep testing myself to see how fast I can do it but why?  It's so easy and fun.  The creators knew what to do and, in their own words, "we didn't want to make a longer game.  This is it I swear its true... ooh-ooh-ooh..."

I know, this isn't like me.  "DiZ, you randy hunk of chocolate pie, this isn't a proper review!"  True, true, but You Have to Burn the Rope isn't something you review properly.  You observe it and love it.  That's my two cents to the game.  I give it a perfect score because it's so flawless.  
The DiZ Score: 5 out of 5

For your enjoyment I give you the link to the game here:

You Have to Burn the Rope (full game): have fun!

If you're having trouble winning, here's the strategy guide: you're a fool!

And if you just want to listen to the epic theme song then go here: "Now You're a Hero"