Yes, this is what we call a double non-review, and I think it’s a bit appropriate because I listened to both albums back to back on a couple of occasions and noticed some glaring similarities.  Don’t fret though, loyal reader, because I don’t plan on just going down the simple route and bashing LASERS and elevating Shaolin like the standard (and sadly ignorant) hip hop purist is quick to doing now.  No, that’s not me; that’s not the DiZ way.  This is my opinion alone, based only on my opinion, laced with what I think and only what I think.  That’s why I’m not reviewing both albums at once.  What you may appreciate, however, is how it’ll be divided into segments with funky titles.  I’m sure that you will find them titillating and saucy.  With that, let’s get the ball bouncing.

“You’re Pitiful”

Let’s call a spade a spade:  Atlantic Records doesn’t know what the hell to do with critically acclaimed rap groups.  When I heard about the concessions that Lupe Fiasco (@LupeFiasco) would have to give in to just to release LASERS I knew that the culprit (a vast majority of the culprit) would be the dingus conglomerate at Atlantic Records.

I’m being overly mean.  The issue with all major label deals is that the pursuit of commercial success is paramount and will always overshadow the critical greatness an album might have, unless you’re a legend that is.  Lupe Fiasco is not a legend, and having a Grammy for a single and multiple Grammy nominations for both albums does not, in terms of major label talk, mean that you are an asset so much as a liability.  Long and short of it: if Lupe Fiasco’s The Cool went platinum, it would have had no bearing on anything if Lupe Fiasco’s Food and Liquor never got far past gold status.  That’s the way things work, but Atlantic has a strange track record especially.

Who hear remembers a nice little collective from North Carolina?  They were originally a trio; two rappers and a producer.  One of the rappers always offered lyrical no-frills perspectives on life and love while the other was always a straight, hard jab who only showed dramatic improvement with each passing verse.  The producer consistently incorporates soul samples and is considered to be a student of the late great J. Dilla and Pete Rock.  Oh, and he raps now too *shiver*.  Give up?  Well you shouldn’t have.

I’m talking about Little Brother (@phontigallo; @RapperBigPooh; @9thWonderMusic) of course, the critically acclaimed, highly underrated and pathetically unsung heroes of underground hip hop from Durham, North Carolina.  After releasing The Listening, a flawless album according to many professional critics and fans (and haters) alike, the trio signed a deal with Atlantic Records and released The Minstrel Show, a biting and satirical look at black culture and an exercise in dope beats and dope rhymes; what more do y’all want?

No seriously, Atlantic Records, I’m asking: what more do y’all want?  Why can’t you just leave well enough alone for once?  James Blunt would still have an actual career if you let Weird Al do his mess.  The album [The Minstrel Show] was poorly promoted, only one video was released (two singles though), and Little Brother’s album was so hard to find in stores a lot of people wondered if it was just a clever myth.  But no, it wasn’t, and after a long long LONG time I found it.  And I love it.  Scary thing is that I can still see stickers for it on some poles at my old campus.  Creepy.

Critical acclaim does not equal commercial success, this I understand, but at what point do record executives, excuse me, MAJOR LABEL record executives realize that this may be the very reason that a rapper does NOT do well in his or her transition from underground to mainstream?  Wish I could answer that, but I’m going to leave Little Brother alone because they’re too easy a target and this is about Lupe Fiasco.

To Lupe Fiasco (@LupeFiasco): what did you really expect?  Major labels are after money, and one gold album does not equal money.  Classic albums they may be, money wasn’t coming in big time.  That means that something about the sound is going to be changed to make the music more commercial and radio friendly.  That means people that you may or may not like, specifically others from the label, will be put on tracks with you a la Akon on India.Arie’s I Am Not My Hair.  She ain’t want that nigga on that track!  And I’m willing to bet money that you didn’t want Trey Songz on yours. 

Interestingly enough, Trey Songz could be considered another case like Little Brother or Lupe Fiasco, just instead of arguing about the changes he went along with them.  That’s why so many of us call him a sell out.  I liked Just Gotta Make It.  It set him apart.  Now he’s, as Riley Freeman would call him, some “R&B, sexy, flexy ass nigga”.  Seriously, how many of us actually listen to him at this point so much as just watch him take his shirt off and agree with stuff?

But I digress.  This isn’t about Trey Songz (@TreySongz).  This is all just build up for why I feel how I feel about Lasers.  I can really sum it up with one sentence, but how much of a review would that be?  I’ll say it but I’ll explain later: it’s not a Lupe Fiasco album.

“Somethin’ That Means Somethin’”

Ever since I heard about a Justin Bieber remix featuring… no, that’s not a good way to start this segment.  Ah, better.  Raekwon is the current key flag bearer for the original Wu-Tang Clan.  Much like the Sorcerer Supreme of Marvel Comics fame, the role passes around.  At one point it was a role shared by the whole, and then it went primarily to Method Man, and then ODB (RIP), and then Ghostface, and now Raekwon.  There’s something about the Wu, isn’t there?

As the current key flag bearer, Raekwon has arguably the most difficult era to carry the flag through.  Avatar Method was around when… I mean, Method Man was carrying the torch when the Wu was at the forefront.  Ol’ Dirty Bastard (or whatever the fuck he was calling himself at the time) was so wild that his only competition was Busta Rhymes.  Not just that, but he solidified his status of king of the hill when he apparently (the video is a bit fuzzy) kissed the lovely Erykah Badu and stormed the Grammy stage to explain how he bought an outfit that “costed a lot of money” and how “Wu Tang is for the children”.  I miss you, Big Baby Jesus.

Ghostface Killah was (arguably) the first to make a transition from the Wu sound into the realm of mainstream music, and it shows in recent releases such as Fishscale and Ghostdini but now we come to Raekwon.  Hmm, Raekwon the chef, the infamous Mafioso wordslinger primarily responsible (you know a solo Wu album is code for an unofficial group Wu album… and maybe Cappadonna will be on it too) for the practically orgasmic Only Built for Cuban Linx, the current flag bearer?  But how?

We start off with the announcement that shocked the hip hop world: Only Build for Cuban Linx 2!  And after a long wait, it actually came out!  Dr. Dre, are you listening?  IT ACTUALLY CAME OUT!  And to make things even better: it was GREAT!  Search this blog and go back a while, you will find my OB4CL 2 review.  Was it as good as the original?  No, the gap between the two was so marginal it’s hard to believe the album is ten years after the original.

That was part one: the “rebirth” of Raekwon thrust him back into the forefront.  Part two was the Pusha T-like alliance that Raekwon established with hip hop Da Vinci Kanye West.  Sidenote: don’t you guys think it’s funny that Kanye West has put Pusha T on so many tracks since he signed him?  I love Pusha and Malice, love the Clipse, they’re hometown heroes (VA stand up!) but damn… too much Pusha.  Raekwon has not been utilized so greatly, but his appearance on the Good Friday line up (on one of the better songs in my opinion) showed us that he was indeed in the driver seat. 

In relation to the Kanye alliance (that could be an interesting piece in the future in and of itself), Raekwon was put on a remix to Justin Bieber’s song Runaway Love.  We’re not going to talk about that song, mostly because I don’t remember it all too well.  That song, however, is probably instrumental in introducing one of our favorite crime bosses to million of prepubescent white girls around the world that experience minor orgasms every time Ivory Usher (give it time, you’ll see…) does a piss poor late night show interview. 

Sidenote #2: why are Canadians taking over the American music scene?  Hmm…

And it really is a moot point to even mention Raekwon’s masterful verse on Kanye’s Gorgeous track off of the critically lauded My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.  Case in point, even more so than Ghostface now, Raekwon is the Wu messenger.  I say good work: RZA always needs at least one of the original to keep the name alive.  I mean, not like any of the forty thousand Wu affiliates can do it.  Yeah, that sounds like me taking a shot, but no, I’m serious when I say Wu Tang has affiliates worldwide.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Russian crime family that called RZA their leader. 

I say all this to explain why Raekwon is so big right now.  I didn’t mention the MTV Hottest Rapper thing because there hasn’t been any validation to that nonsense since it first came along.  Raekwon was number 10 in 2009 and we all said, “About time!”  Then 50 Cent was number 8, not having dropped a single album that year.  So like I said, nonsense. 

Actually, I found it strange that Shaolin vs. Wu-Tang would be released right now, considering it was originally supposed to be an OFFICIAL Wu album, but when you’re still riding on the coattails of one of the most critically acclaimed sequels in hip hop history why not ride the wave as high as you can?  Question is how well can a man ride a tidal wave that eclipses skyscrapers?  Answer: surprisingly well.

“Dumb It Down”

I took a long break from Twitter for some personal reasons, but I’m on and off now.  Conversing with a friend of mine, a purist and true hip hop head like myself (@MrG3nius), I discovered that according to his Twitter feed links, Lupe Fiasco was not very happy with Lasers.  In fact, he hated it.  I didn’t go on Twitter to find out, but saw some interviews and articles that described his unhappy demeanor regarding the long delayed LP. 

That was just the tip of the iceberg, however.  He went through hell and high water just to get the deal settled to even release the damn thing.  Personal issues always plague an artist when he or she is releasing an album, sometimes minor and sometimes disastrous.  I’m convinced that whatever Kurt Cobain was working on was probably a testament to his suicide, as well as label politics and fear of his music becoming a part of a commercial machine.  I don’t know; my knowledge of Nirvana isn’t as high as it should be.

Lupe Fiasco was quick to say that he would never submit to the will of the record companies and mainstream temptations.  He said this with Lupe Fiasco’s Food and Liquor.  So when his next offering, Lupe Fiasco’s The Cool was said to be more commercial, I was a little disappointed. Then I heard the street single Dumb It Down.  And then I heard the album.  Not only was it good, but it was great, arguably better than his first.  Translation: the words of the street single were perfectly accurate, notably the last lines:

“Bishop G!  They told me I should come down cousin!

But I flatly refused.  I don’t dumb, down, nuthin’!”

I paid attention to these words because it meant that Lupe Fiasco was telling us, the fans, that he would always come correct and honest with his stuff.  Always.  No matter the circumstances.  No matter what kind of crap the label gave him.  No matter… ooh…

“Wu Chant”

Did RZA piss the Wu off?  I’d assume so, because while he IS essentially the de facto leader of the Wu, his soldiers and the like are the people that have to spread his message.  What’s the point of a charismatic chess playing martial arts leader when the charismatic chess playing martial arts underlings aren’t listening?

I say all this because there’s something strange about anything Wu that doesn’t feature vintage Wu production.  We’re not talking about MF DOOM here (though I swear he must be some bastard spawn of the Wu bowel movement).  In all honesty, Wu soldiers sound great over Wu beats.

And when they don’t Wu rhyme over Wu production they still make some Wu genius work.  Okay, I’m done with the intentional Wu jokes.  Wu…

While it was necessary to define it, Only Built for Cuban Linx 2 having production from so many outside sources served as both its greatest asset and liability.  On one hand, you had a new sound (I think this was best exemplified with the song New Wu) and on the other, a glaring absence of the old sound (save for the continuation of North Star (Jewels) which, production wise, I think is pure sex).  And after 8 Diagrams, well… maybe things wouldn’t be so bad if the original 9 were still 9. 

RZA’s style had, has, and will always have a feel to it, a flawless, epic feel that invokes the martial arts films and the actual philosophy of the Wu.  C.R.E.A.M. was great for it’s production and the ease of the performers over it.  Wu Tang Forever was great for… a lot of reasons, but primarily the two I just mentioned. 

Maybe it’s the power of the Wu flag bearer.  Raekwon (and Ghostface; it’s a friendly power struggle) flow effortlessly over any beat they’re put on, but they both have standards they set with themselves and their early albums, a glorious lyricism that hasn’t waned over the years.  Even if the musical backdrop has.  Ah, interesting.

I’m going to get into the actual non-reviews now (yeah, this has all been build up) because there’s a correlation between the two LPs.  They both symbolize something, from two different, but lyrically inclined perspectives of unconscious genius.  Ladies and gentlemen, LASERS and Shaolin Vs. Wu-Tang.

“And The Winner Is…”

Lupe Fiasco: LASERS – 2.5 out of 5

Raekwon (the Chef): Shaolin vs. Wu-Tang – 3.5 out of 5

This is a non-review, remember? 

Rick Ross. *sigh* Ricky, Ricky, Ricky... much like Lil Wayne, what can be said about the wonderful failure that this man has become? I'm not going to compare their paths, but let's look at both of their careers and how we, the adoring public, have been able to literally follow them from disc to disc since they first showed up. I can vividly recall Lil Wayne's first curse-free foray into the realm of hip hop music as much as I can recall Rick Ross' spot on Trina's Diamond Princess album and... I was mildly (emphasis on that word) impressed.  Compared to the beat heavy, lyrically substandard work that would follow in his debut album it was something to behold.

It's hard to not like Rick Ross at this point.  He successfully made us all fans with the repetitive Hustlin' way back when, proved himself to be a force to be reckoned with with his second album, Trilla, and finally did the impossible and made me a true, TRUE fan with Deeper Than Rap, and the brilliant production was the reasoning.  Rick Ross is special in that he knows how to choose perfect beats (I'm looking at YOU, Nas...) to compliment his style, and this is only amplified by the single most irresistible thing about this guy: he's still improving.  If someone would have told me years ago that Rick Ross, former correctional officer and Big, Black, and Ugly spokesman, would be a rapper I'd like to listen to when I was 21, my exact words would have been, "Rick Ross?  You mean that bitch that did Hustlin'?  Nigga please!"  Now I'm one of the first to advertise the greatness of Maybach Music 2.  Things change, eh?

I wasn't looking forward to Teflon Don when it was first brought up; I'm a Rick Ross fan but not a fanatic.  I'm still not doing cartwheels (and neither is he... ever) for this guy because a hip hop album is influenced by two factors: the rapper and the people that provide the backdrop for the rapper, aka the producers.  Ross has always known who to get to provide the background music; he's like a filmmaker in this respect, knowing just who to enlist to make his stuff that much better when it isn't.  That's been Rick Ross' style since Port of Miami and it hasn't changed here.  The album starts off with the mediocre I'm Not A Star.  Nothing spectacular about this track but, as stated before, he's improved with every album so far and you can hear how much he's grown lyrically in this opener as opposed to something like Mafia Music or Trilla.  We move right into Free Mason and we come to the first roadblock of this album.

Features on a solo album have a habit of hindering the product (unless it's a Wu Tang album).  John Legend assisting on the hook is something that most artists consider (and rightly so) a good move, but Jay-Z's inclusion on the track almost ASSURES being outshined.  However, considering the subject matter and the timeliness of the song Ross stands surprisingly strong with Hova's dismissal of any Freemasonry or Devil worship (a lot of hypocrisy with those two things together but this is neither the time or place).  Keeping in line with the singers on the hooks, Ross skillfully restricted the incomparable Cee-Lo Green to hook duty on Tears of Joy.  The song itself is fine, and No I.D.'s production is pretty good, but it's nothing we haven't heard before.

Next we have Maybach Music 3.  I LOVE the Maybach Music songs thus far, because the beats are epic.  This is no different.  However, while the lovely Ms. Erykah Badu is on the hook and T.I. and Jadakiss deliver acceptable verses (though Jada is a liar and he knows it, eh-heeeeehhhh) they severily make Rick Ross seem irrelevant on his own track, even if he does have a select part of the song to himself a la Notorious B.I.G. in All About the Benjamins.  There's a problem with the growing ego Ross has with minor comparisons between him and Biggie but that can be addressed later.  After the production of Maybach Music however, we're given the Kanye/No I.D. produced Live Fast, Die Young and, no surprise, Kanye (as with everybody) murders Rick Ross on his own track.  The song is long for no reason; it serves no purpose as the longest track on the already short album, but to its credit it has Rick Ross' most impressive lyrical attack in the album so far, better than that of the radio-killer Super High, featuring Ne-Yo.  It's a good track, sure, but that's like saying Nothin' On You is a good track for B.o.B.  In fact that song was okay but far below the skill level of B.o.B. (and Lupe Fiasco for that matter).

No. 1 plays like a spiritual sequel to collaborator Diddy's Hello Good Morning, taking away points for originality.  The rest of the points are lost for sounding generic and dull.  This is a common problem in many albums but when it's a rapper like Rick Ross, who oozes (quote me) "vastly improved mediocrity" then it's a MAJOR problem.  MC Hammer features everyone's favorite career jailbird and walking accident Gucci Mane (no, I DON'T like him lol) and it is the weakest lyrical track on the album.  It has Ross reverting to his pathetic skill level from Port of Miami and Gucci Mane's verse is as tolerable as lukewarm champagne or overexcited women, as Orson Welles would say.  Considering the same producer (Lex Luger) does Blowin' Money Fast and MC Hammer is should be no surprise that they sound surprisingly similar.  No, seriously, if Styles P wasn't on the track then I would have thought it was the same song.  Stand alone it serves it's purpose as a single but with the abysmal MC Hammer coming before it on the album AND the extended return of the Port of Miami flow, the album starts to go downhill.  WAY downhill.

Aston Martin Music is exceptionally smooth in it's production, another car-themed gem from the shining stars of Rick Ross' albums: the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League.  While Chrisette Michelle and hip hop's current golden boy Drake (singing, not rapping) make the track, Rick Ross carries his weight (I... will... not... make a joke... here...) and delivers on what might be the smoothest song on the album, showing his improved skill once again.  Granted, some of us are a bit disappointed that Drake isn't rapping on the album, but with his monotone voice and tendency to (a) end his lines with "yeah" and (b) use "I" in everything that could be a good thing.  Finally we come to the very end of the album, the horizon-looking All the Money in the World, featuring the legendary (yeah, I said it) Raphael Saadiq.  This song is, for lack of a better word, good.  As a closing track it does exactly what it should: properly bring the album to a classy conclusion with style, much like The Game's Why You Hate The Game? or Drake's Thank Me Now.  And that's the album in so many paragraphs.

So what's wrong with this album?  I could say it in short form and just give each issue a little line, but I'm the Infamous DiZ: I give you at least TWO lines for that shit.  Problem one lies with the number of collaborators.  I'm not referring to the singers or those that do the hooks, but the rappers.  Few great solo albums have featured a lot of outside help.  Jay-Z, for example, had only Eminem on Blueprint and it's a classic.  The goal is to not have the help outshine the main participant, and Rick Ross only "renegades" Gucci Mane; quote me: THAT IS NO ACCOMPLISHMENT!  Anyone that tells you it is is lying or trying to sell you something.

Another issue with the album is Rick Ross' own ego.  I loosely compared his career to that of Lil Wayne's at the beginning of this because they both have ever growing egos and massive heads that are only expanding.  While Lil Wayne is somewhat justified in his big headed state of mind Rick Ross isn't: to this day he hasn't actually released anything that would warrant him having such a cocky nature outside of maintaining street credibility after cop work and us seeing past his shades.  He's always improving, that's apparent, but not to this extent.  This ties into the hinted at Biggie comparisons.  Simply put: no.  Hell no.  No fucking way in hell.  FAIL.

Issue 3: production overtaking Ross.  This is the biggest one.  I fell in love with the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League after Maybach Music.  Outside of the similar works from Lex the production on Teflon Don is simply stellar.  Every beat (except for Lex's) is epic like something out of a summer blockbuster or a summer tear-jerking drama.  That's how a great beat is supposed to be, but the rapper has to stack up to the backdrop laid out for them.  Ross rarely does that; in some cases the track is only good because OF the others on the track.  If this album were nothing but instrumentals and the singers on the hooks, minus those from Lex, it would probably be a near-classic, but as it stands Rick Ross' ego and "vastly improved mediocrity" can't carry a full album on his own, not yet.  At this rate it's a matter of time, but even I have to admit that it's a considerable amount of time.  The album is okay, but nothing breathtaking.  Keep at it, Ross.

The DiZ score: 3 out of 5

Hello, people.  My name is C. Lamb and I've become enough of a person that people can rely on me for a few things.  They can rely on me for getting something done right, getting something done on my own time, intriguing conversation, all of that, but what they can really rely on me for, even more than unreliability, is outspoken opinions on music and games.  With these two things being my tangible passions, only under writing, I tend to establish shrines to them (i.e. - this blog) to voice my opinions. 

It's about noon right now, Sunday afternoon, me dreading tomorrow because of a lack of a path back home, sitting in my office with no pants, listening to John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman's rendition of the eternal classic "Lush Life", still glowing from my waffles this morning and the roast beef sandwich I made last night... and I'm going through the world wide internets and looking at stuff.  I'm a fan of Japanese games, sometimes going so far as to tweak and twerk and hack and translate them to English so I can play them.  Out of the dozens I've done this for the majority of them haven't been worth the effort I put into them. 

This whole series of actions has had about three rationals behind it, however.  The first has been research: the EXCERPT in the title is because I've been doing research on the Japanese gaming industry for years, literally, YEARS.  Sadly I lost all my data because I was cleaning off the computer and accidentally got rid of all that prior data.  So here I am, starting from square one again, though at this point I'm probably at square... seven or eight.  The second reason is for culture: games are arguably more influential and important in Japan than the United States, but that's something my research will afford me knowledge to.  Lastly we have the fun: yes, the fun.  Some games are never released outside of Japan and me, being a child of video games, can't enjoy it.  Unfortunately the stereotype is that these games never released outside of the Land of the Rising Sun are all dirty, controversial porno games.

That leads us to the infamous Rapelay.  For those of you that don't know about this game, it's a rape simulator.  The story is that a young chikan (loosely, train groper) is busted by a girl and sent to jail.  Out the next day because of political connects, he decides to get revenge by raping the girl, as well as her younger sister and mother, until they're broken to the point of sexual slavery.  That's the point of the game.  Truth be told, it's not MUCH of a game, and if you know what you're doing, you'll "finish" in a matter of hours.  The creators of this game weren't really going for a revolution in gameplay here; they were trying to give the gamer something to slap-box the one-eyed champ to.  To that respect: good job, Illusion.  The controversy for the game didn't come right away, however; it came when it was being sold on Amazon.com.

And then Bugs Bunny and Scrappy Doo and all our favorite liberal figureheads and conservative lawyers came out of their foxholes and started to condemn this genre of games, and by genre I mean "eroge", sex simulators and whatnot.  The "Fred Phelps" of Game Condemnation, Jack Thompson, was probably the most vocal (no surprise) about this, and in a rare admittance of defeat I can't really knock him.  Let's be honest: this is a rape simulator.  You can commit virtually every sexual atrocity to three women, one of whom may not even be 16 or 17 yet, and if they get pregnant then you have to abort the kid or else you get one of the "endings".  Spoiler alert: you die in both endings.  I suppose that that's good from a moral standpoint but for a game... you tend to want to live.

I admit though that this controversy had me playing both sides of the fence at first.  On one hand I think every rapist should be locked in jail for (a)life, (b)until he gets the death penalty, or (c)until he can't use his dick anymore (this is of course assuming the rapist is male).  On the other hand, the argument I can't support is that this kind of game encourages sexual violence and rape worthy behavior.  Yeah, I had to play through it once to get my opinions.  Finished it.  Tossed it and started writing my opinions on it, and what's my mind state now?  My exact words were: "Kinda got a thing for that schoolgirl outfit and MILFs, but rape is still a no-no".  Okay, those weren't my EXACT words, but I always liked the schoolgirl outfit and when we got MILFs like Halle Berry and Salma Hayek you damn right I love 'em.

It calls to attention the eternal debate of how powerful the pull of video games is; my last posted piece "Dear Caressa Cameron..." brought that up too.  We have to consider personal responsibility especially, and how some people aren't as strong minded as others and how some people take things to levels unnecessary.  Whereas someone like me can play a game about a rapist and not want to rape, someone else might not be stable enough to distinguish the virtual crime from an actual one. 

I think I mentioned this before but this game has the cold distinction of being the international benchmark for eroge games.  In my research I've had to breeze through a number of them, be they 2D or 3D, text based or visual based, and Rapelay is hardly the worst.  Hell, some of them are even entertaining, have some wonderful stories behind them, are even (Jesus forgive me) worthy of the five knuckle shuffle. 

But that's just one aspect of the world of Japan's sexual games.  I find the whole concept incredible; at one point that was the point of the entire research project but I expanded it when I saw how much crossover there was.  There's a man that "married" his computer girlfriend in Japan, a game that "tracks" your... lonely nights.  Something I saw today actually makes me a bit nervous.  According to a study done in Japan, more than half of the women in Japan think virtual girlfriends are superior to them in terms of attracting a guy.  Talk about self esteem issues.  I thought China had the worst perception of self after that Summer Olympics shit with the little girl that wasn't allowed to sing at the Opening Ceremonies because she didn't fit the "look" they wanted to portray. 

You may be asking what this has to do with sex games.  Directly we need look no further than another game from Illusion's camp, Real Kanojo, translation: Real Girlfriend.  At this point I don't need to say another word.  So I won't.  I'll let this trailer do the talking.  I'm the DiZ: I look at it so YOU don't have to.

First of all, allow me to say congratulations.  As a fellow Virginian and lover of broadcast journalism, I am proud to proclaim you Miss America.  I am pretty sure, no, I am very sure that your reign will be a year of great joy and good tidings.  Also, I express my respect of your opinion and strength of will, so please do not be too insulted at this letter if it reaches your eyes because all that is being said is strictly my opinion as well.  We both hail from Virginia so I am sure you know what this letter is to hold.

That is unless you come from a community vastly and utterly different from my own.  My minor research reveals that you hail from Virginia Commonwealth University and come from Fredericksburg, which I appreciate because we both know that people from Richmond, Virginia are the epitome of grimy.  I have no qualms with the college because I have many a friend that attended that college, but all of them decided to pursue higher education in other locations; they claimed the curriculum wasn't engaging enough.

Before I continue this post allow me to properly introduce myself.  My name is Christopher Lamb, a 20 year old Virginia-born (at least raised) college student attending Clark Atlanta University.  Before you ask me or berate me for not going to Morehouse allow me to say that I did attend Morehouse for two years before transferring; I found the curriculum wasn't engaging enough.

I joke; ultimately my reason for transfer was because of my ultimate goal of being a film maker.  That, Ms. Cameron, is why I expressed a love for broadcast journalism, but my heart is in the world of film.  And, as we both know, controversy is one of the most important elements to creating good media; this goes for both journalistic integrity and cinematography.  As such, here is the main point of this letter: "Fuck you!"

Yes, these words seem unnecessarily harsh but hear me out; I tend to curse rampantly in my letters and you should not feel insulted... yet.  Over the course of my life I've seen many things and experienced many events, and I've actually gotten the question, at the tender age of 20 years young, "Mr. Lamb, what do you want to be remembered by?  Would it be that you are a great writer?"  I say no.  "Would it be that you are a consistent and loving philanthropist?"  I say no.  "Would it be that you are the epitome of a loyal video gamer?"  Again, I say no.  What I'd really want them to remember is that I'm stern in my stance of defending what I love, and as you see in the above sentences I love writing, philanthropy (which I assume we share), and playing video games.  Therein lies my issue.

I don't claim to dislike you because you don't like video games; to each his or her own.  However, your argument against video games is puerile at best.  If I may quote your words, "Take away the TV, take away the video games, set some standards for our children!"  This is much more vast than just games, but I'd like to lightly present both sides of the argument; I am a student of the field of rhetoric (not my major, but I tend to go outside the box) so argument and persuasion (again, we're both Virginians so you should appreciate this) are easy to the man writing this somewhat mean spirited letter.

We'll deal with the bad first.  More than often video games are blamed for some of the most violent and infamous crimes in society and the world.  Let's look at the issues: Columbine, Virginia Tech, some future war thanks to Modern Warfare 2 perhaps, I can't say.  Did these, I wonder, have any basis in video games?  Perhaps; I'm not psychologist and usually the shooter takes his own life with the same gun he used to slaughter people.  If I had the opportunity to ask the Virginia Tech shooter what inspired his manifesto and massacre then I would, but I cannot.

Violent video games can affect a person's mind, yes, that is something we must all admit, but the effect isn't nearly as widespread as Jack Thompson and Australia make it out to be.  Ultimately video games are a form of media, just like broadcast journalism, and they all have pull.

For example, as a broadcast journalist, rather, as a possible future broadcast journalist, I am confidently aware that you vividly remember the Hurricane Katrina tragedy of 2005.  I am also very sure that you, a possible future broadcast journalist, remember vividly the images of the victims of this tragedy shown to us, the American public, on television sets around the nation.

However, I am not completely sure that you can recall the word refugee being used to describe these unfortunate victims.  As a possible future broadcast journalist surely you can understand how the word refugee used in a manner to describe victims can cause the public to feel removed from helping these victims in their plights.

According to the United Nations a refugee is a person owing to a well founded fear of being persecuted on account of race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group, or political opinion, is outside the country of their nationality and is unable to, or owing to such fear, is unwilling to avail himself or herself of the protection of that country; and that's according to the United Nations.

Now, as you recall the images of the impoverished people standing on the roofs of their houses, waving desperately for help at the various news helicopters that flew by and offered no assistance, I wonder if you asked yourself this question: "Self... is dem niggas refugees?"

My point in bringing all of this up is to merely state that all types of media are capable of shaping the public's opinion about a given topic or is able to coerce them to act or behave in a certain manner.

What does this mean, you may be wondering?  By your logic, if video games are to blame for the downfall of our youth, then are our news outlets to blame for the lackadaisical and apathetic response to the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina?  Should I mention the earthquake in Haiti for further elaboration on my thesis? 

If anything, journalism has a more powerful hold on the minds of people than video games because of the easier access of the news and the most popular content is usually the most dreadful.  Indeed, while the people must be informed they much also not be desensitized to the violence of the world, something both your area of interest and my area of passion manage to do.

However, you never made any particular claim, at least none I've seen (if I'm horribly mistaken please let me know) that explained why you are anti-video game, just that you are.  I believe your argument is that people become anti-social and cold hearted or mean spirited because they play video games more so than they go outside and play; I believe you say what you say because there are a number of overweight children going around and playing World of Warcraft as opposed to trying to cure cancer.  Perhaps, but at what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation as opposed to unjust resentment directed towards industries you have no true knowledge about?

I've been playing video games since the tender age of three; I have fond memories of defeating Blanka with the immortal Ryu in Street Fighter 2 with a flaming fireball and I still like to do that today.  I'm not saying video games are 100% beneficial to the player, but I can boast quicker reaction times, much better hand-eye coordination, even increased brain speed, all thanks to the quick thinking necessary with Sonic the Hedgehog on the Sega Genesis (not the current generation one, that was awful).  Similar minded video gamers tend to congregate and become friends; they tend to engage in the video game universe first and go on to, more than often at least, seamlessly drift into more fulfilled friendships as time and controllers go on.  However, you probably don't know this, not being a gamer yourself and speaking from the outside looking in.

There lies the biggest issue with what you say: you're on the outside looking in. Can a man or woman that hasn't dabbled in politics be a good candidate for president? Can a farmer who spent his entire life picking crops immediately be thrown into the world of big business and expect to make the company very strong? Conventional wisdom says no, though I've been proven wrong before. After all, I did say the Miss America pageant was a load of crap, but what do I know? I'm not a Miss America contestant so I can't speak for it.
We must deal with the obvious: you come from a more rural area of Virginia where plantations and military battlefields are around every corner, so yes, your experience is different from mine.  I was raised in Virginia Beach, Portsmouth and Norfolk, the Tidewater area, so I was always around more urban environments.  Let me tell you: if I was out "playing imaginary games with sticks in the street" like you did when you were little, I'd of been hurt.  As a matter of fact, what the hell were you doing playing imaginary games in the street?  At the very least, couldn't you have used the stick for a purpose, like digging a hole in the safety of your front yard as opposed to in the middle of the street?  Granted, Fredericksburg isn't Portsmouth; you can sit in the middle of a rather lowly populated town and the odds of getting hit by a car are much lower than in my home of P-Town.  But still, imaginary games?  How do you play imaginary games?  That doesn't even make sense.  At the very least you aren't Carrie Prejean though.

The elements of what a person does is directly related to their environment, for the most part.  I played video games because of outside influence; I continue to play video games because its an outlet, a clever method of story telling, a way to go into another world without playing imaginary games with sticks and streets.  Video games, in and of themselves, have no influence whatsoever; the person playing them, the individual, does.  Not every video gamer is the stereotypical nerd with a 50 inch waist, 200 pounds of fat and no desire to see direct sunlight.  Take me for example: I'm 20, in good shape, have an active social life and still maintain a hefty love of video games, actually critiquing them in my spare time which I have a lot of because I do my homework.  In fact, one of my favorite things to do is debate on the whole issue of the positives of video games to the ignorant, i.e. you.  Remember, ignorant means you don't know.  If I called you stupid then I'd expect anger from you.  As such, I expect minimal anger at best, but there's something about Virginia women that causes them to take everything to the next level when there is none.  With that in mind, let me cut out the middle man and incite that anger.  This is where the truly angry part of me comes out.

Listen to me, Ms. Cameron.  If you really want to make it in the world of anything, journalism especially, you better learn to appreciate the realms of all digital and electronic media outside of your dying breed of television journalism.  Until you have sat down with a video game controller and played a video game like a true gamer you don't have the right to say a damn thing.  You can't claim to have such a better life when you yourself claim that you are a pianist but you couldn't get anything with it (one of my friends from Spelman is a pianist too; she's very successful), that you played varsity but couldn't get anything (again, that's a nothing special), and you had good grades but couldn't get anything.  You claim you went into the Miss American pageant for the scholarship, but I have my doubts.  Let's remember that your money from the competition comes from getting into a bikini and shaking your ass for Rush "I Hate Niggers" Limbaugh in the city of sin Las Vegas.  Now ponder on that for a minute, your majesty.

Let me first start out by saying you never know who you could fall in love with, watching Eskimo Tube... wait, that's the wrong context.  I'm in a good mood today, a perpetual good mood that hasn't left me yet.  This Saturday I got my new Xbox 360 and since then I've been playing it religiously.  To be perfectly honest I'm in class right now and I was late because of it, and I can't stop saying nice things and making wonderful accolades about it.

I'm trying to keep myself calm.  I'm initially excited about the system itself, finally having a system again.  Then I'm excited about the game which has it's logo above this paragraph.  Ever since it was first mentioned I've wanted Mass Effect 2, so imagine my joy in finally getting it AND playing it like I have been.  I haven't been this happy playing a video game since... Mass Effect 1 to be perfectly honest.  Heh, it's an experience I've always wanted: epic stories and flawless gameplay makes for a great game.  I love every character and creature and environment and all of that, and I'm nearly done unless I'm mistaken.  I've lost my crew and I'm flying into enemy territory; they don't expect me to survive.  I prove people wrong.

I'm not writing the entire review now because I finish the game before I review, and as such I'm a little hyped because I only have one class tomorrow and its at noon.  I can play all night.  Oh, I'm so excited!  Giggity!  Okay, I'm done, DiZ out.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris Lamb, and I am known as the DiZ. You might be asking yourself, "Self, who is this sexual piece of chocolate with the sexy eyes here?" Well, that is me. You might also be asking yourself, "Self, what is 'Guaranteed to Get You Children, Volume 1'?" Well, to answer that question allow me to explain my actions.

I love music and I love the sound of a woman after a fresh orgasm. Yes, I mean it just like that, I'm a very audio person and I love hearing women in joy because they enjoyed themselves. When I watch Maury Povich's show I weep, because half the women up there don't know what it means to make love to a man. Questions? Good. When a woman has sex and doesn't enjoy the moment then the result is (and yes, this is mildly vague) unwanted results afterward, sometimes manifesting in a child. I've heard it time and time again: women that have children from sexual experiences that weren't pleasurable turn out to be terrible parents to their children. It implies that the baby wasn't planned and the sex was just awful. That's no good.

I've beat around the bush for a little while now and I present my mixtape. The name says it all. My goal in life (this mixtape) is to make sex a total pleasure; this mixtape is an aphrodisiac and was designed to do the following things:

1. help in the making of children for couples
2. assist in making all parties involved hit the highest possible vocal notes during coitus
3. put the lubricants and jellies stored in houses nationwide to use
4. all of the above

That's why I made this list, and big names like Alicia Keys and Janet Jackson, along with more underground crooners such as Stone Mecca, are compiled in such a way to maximize pleasure and increase the chance of a massive orgasm. Don't believe me? Then tell me why one of my friends listed to this from start to finish and three tracks into it she was soaking wet. Don't believe me? Guess you won't know until you hear it then, will you?

I insert this disclaimer before the track list, however. I am NOT responsible for any children or diseases gained during sex while this collection of music is played, spoken of or thought about. Don't blame me for that shit; blame your horny behaviors. Remember to practice safe sex and only try for a baby if you're married and in good standing to actually support a child YOUR DAMN SELF! Don't be running to your parents for shit; they just gonna laugh and say, "It's yo problem; I did my time."

Great. With that said and done... I present...

The DiZ Presents... "Guaranteed to Get You Children" Volume 1 [mixtape]

1. TLC: Red Light District
   
2. Syleena Johnson feat. Twista: Phone Sex
3. Ginuwine: So Anxious
4. R. Kelly: It Seems Like You're Ready
5. Janet Jackson: Warmth
6. Janet Jackson: Moist
7. Alicia Keys: Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready)
8. Robin Thicke: Sex Therapy
9. Stone Mecca and RZA: The Walk
10. Esthero: Superheroes
11. D'Angelo: Untitled (How Does It Feel)
12. R. Kelly: Pregnant

Download, unzip, enjoy, and again, I am NOT responsible for any kids. Have fun!

Incest is weird. That's not how I wanted to start off this review but I'm really starting to ponder the relationship pre-revelation of Luke and Leia and a line from Return of the Jedi that now sticks out to me. If you think about it hard enough then you'll get it.

Seth MacFarlane is an interesting character. A comic genius, richest cartoonist in Hollywood quite possibly, he's completely turned the world of American animation on its head with his flagship series, the invincible Family Guy. Canceled once, revived and stronger than ever, the series has been criticized by many animation masters for relying on cheap humor and it has equally been praised for its commentary; ironically enough sometimes the very people that put the man on blast utilized his many talents for their own projects.

Seth MacFarlane, the 100 million dollar man; the success of his show can be attributed, more than likely, to two reasons. One is Stewart Gilligan Griffin, the sexually ambiguous toddler and breakout character whose matricidal ambitions made him funny but whose homosexual tendencies made him a star, and the other is the what I like to call the "QTTV factor". That acronym stands for "Quentin Tarantino for Television" factor. See, Quentin Tarantino is a lot of things but one thing all, I repeat, ALL of his movies display is a slick homage to pop culture. Seth MacFarlane does this flawlessly with his infamous cartoon. Every episode is filled to the brim with jokes and insults that reflect the general ideas of whats going on in the world. Case in point, Seth MacFarlane knows pop culture and he uses that knowledge well. He uses it to the point where it gets him three shows on FOX and the occasional "almost live" special. So, we've explored Seth MacFarlane a very little bit. But he has a bit of a hiding place, I guess you could call it, a constant source of jokes and humor that he utilizes often and possibly unnecessarily. That source is the brain child of George Lucas: Star Wars.

I'm not going into the story of Star Wars; that's a post for a later day. I love Star Wars though and I try to keep up with the canon. The original trilogy (episodes 4 through 6 for those that don't know) is easily my favorite trilogy of films ever (The Godfather would have that crown if that bitch Coppola didn't fuck up the third one... *shakes fist*) and I take all spoofs, homages, tributes, parodies and half hour specials related to it seriously. That is except for Blue Harvest. The first Family Guy spoof of Star Wars, based on Episode 4: A New Hope, was a very tongue-in-cheek miniature remake of its origins. It followed the story great and inserted appropriate humor in all facets, even breaking away from the cutaway gags that made the show so popular/hated, save for a single one but it was so well integrated into the story that it almost didn't count.

I loved this parody for a lot of reasons but the main reason was that it did something I didn't expect: it pointed out the flaws. Seth MacFarlane actually pointed out the inconsistencies and stupidities of Episode 4: A New Hope and did it with perfect style. You might be asking, "DiZ, you carnal nerf herder you, what do you mean?" Well, here are some examples. When Han Solo was getting away from Star Destroyers and said he knew some maneuvers to get away, why did he just lazily veer to the left? If parsecs are a unit of distance, how can someone get there in less than 12 parsecs? These are things that made no sense and they were on the forefront in Blue Harvest. Now that I've talked for five paragraphs about everything but this special. Let's get into it now.

I can't tell you the story so much because the story is already known: it's Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back as told in the humor of Family Guy. Peter plays Han again, Lois plays Leia, Chris is Luke, Brian is Chewie, and Stewie is, of course, Darth Vader. The humor spread throughout is classic, perfectly fit into the situations. There are more cutaway gags but they play into the story integrally, not just for the sake of humor for humors sake. The number of inconsistencies mentioned, which was massive in Blue Harvest, was cut down in this one. That was a little strange to me but the bulk of the humor came from the blending of Family Guy canon and the Star Wars canon. I like how the rebel base was contradictory in itself because the electricity was plugged into ice. That's one of the few contradictions the movie shows. I like even more how the many, MANY secondary characters have prominent roles in the story, and by prominent I mean more than five seconds of screen time.

Much like Black Dynamite, this homage is great in the simple fact that it does nothing to take away from Star Wars and equally adds to the legendary series. Sure, I have my gripes. I felt it was a little too short, but it was only supposed to be about an hour long so I can't fault it for that. Sometimes the story moved a little too quickly and sporadically, much like Black Dynamite once again, but again this is somewhat attributed to time constraints. Not all of the characters fit into the mold as well as they could have (Carl as Yoda is a strange but mediocre choice for him in my eyes and Mort as Lando Calrissian was necessary but stupid) and Meg's lines, though very brief, were VERY unwelcome. Now that I think about it, that woman that voices Meg (Mila Kunis) is too damn sexy to be voicing such a lame character. She needs a new character, like a new sister older than Chris but younger than Meg, who actually inherited Lois' looks. And another thing: why did George Lucas make the Force scientific? I know MacFarlane didn't really care (he's an atheist) but dammit, when you take the supernatural mystery of religion out of Star Wars you make it less fun...

Wait, I was reviewing a parody. Right, uh, this was good, almost as good as its predecessor but not quite reaching the same greatness. I can say I enjoyed this one more but I don't consider it as good. So, onto the score:

The DiZ Score: 4 out of 5 stars

Now give Mila Kunis a better character, Seth MacFarlane, you nerf herding bastard!